eyesofanangel

EPOV

”BELLA! BELLA! BELLA, TALK TO ME, PLEASE!” I pleaded as I took her body into my arms.

”Edward, let me past you,” Carlisle said.

”NO!” I roared, terrified to let anyone else near her.

”Edward, I have to look at her so I can try to help!” Carlisle pleaded.

It was only when I heard him thinking he hoped it wasn’t too late that I allowed him to pass. The possibility of such a thing made the horror that much clearer.

Gently, I laid Bella on the floor. Esme had brought over Carlisle’s bag, and I waited as I watched him look her over. I followed his thoughts closely, and quickly the panic began to set in as I registered the negativity in his mind. Almost abruptly, he began CPR, working as quickly as possible. This couldn’t be happening – he had to be mistaken, it would not be too late.

Please, please, please let her be okay, I thought to myself. She can’t be gone. She can’t be gone.

My family was becoming utterly distracting as their thoughts became more chaotic. Emmett had Jasper up against the wall, restraining him, horrified at what had just transpired. Jasper was still struggling to get free, shame mixed with intense hunger written across his face. His thoughts were completely irrational and confused. The smell of Bella’s blood filled the room, and I knew it was hard for him. It was hard for all of us. Everyone else was in pure disbelief, staring at the scene in front of them.

My focus was brought back to Bella when I heard Carlisle zip up his bag, his last thought being one of remorse. I looked at him as he released a hard sigh, refusing to believe what he was thinking. As if that weren’t enough, the rest of my family began to overwhelm me with their sentiments as well.

Oh God.

”Edward,” Carlisle began softly.

”NO! DO NOT SAY IT!” I pleaded, as if that would change the situation.

”Son, I am – ” he began again.

”I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! YOU MAKE IT RIGHT! HEAL HER!” I roared, motioning uselessly to the cuts that covered my love’s broken body, my gaze finally resting on the bite on her neck.

”I can’t,” Carlisle murmured regretfully.

”What do you mean?” Alice asked, perplexed. She couldn’t understand why Bella wouldn’t start changing. She had been bitten, after all.

”She’s gone,” Carlisle answered somberly.

”Gone? Do you mean…” Esme began, fading off. She was afraid to actually speak the words in front of me. She was shocked, as was everyone in the room.

”How can she be gone? She was only bit a few minutes ago,” Alice asked.

Carlisle sighed. ”From what I can tell, her system went into shock; she appears to have gone into cardiac arrest,” he explained quietly. ”Combined with the blood loss from Jasper’s considerable bite, along with the rather large gash she has on her arm, it was just too much, too fast. Her heart gave out before the venom could reach it – rather than changing, she died,” he finished.

”Check her again, please,” I said, forcing myself to remain calm. There had to be a chance that she could still be saved.

”Edward, son, there’s nothing I can do. She’s gone,” Carlisle replied softly.

I looked around at my family. Jasper had sunk to the floor, his head buried in his hands. Emmett was still standing over him with Rosalie at his side, and Alice and Esme were next to me. None of us knew what to do, and everyone’s thoughts were blurring together as I began to realize the severity of the situation. Slowly, I looked down at Bella. There was a large gash in her arm and blood was still trickling out of it.

Not hesitating, I scooped Bella’s body up into my arms and flew up to my room, slamming my door. I was not ready to say goodbye; I wouldn’t, and they couldn’t take her from me. It had to all be a mistake, she couldn’t be gone. We just needed time, time for her to wake up, or something…anything.

I placed her on my couch gently. Alice and Esme were coming up the stairs; I could hear them, and they were thinking of every possible way to try to reason with me. Curling up next to Bella, I took her in my arms again, just the way we used to lay at night. I pushed the hair back from her face. Her skin was growing cold, like mine. Her brown eyes were blank, for her soul had already left her. Instinctively, I started humming her lullaby, wishing for a miracle that would bring her back to me.

”Edward?” Esme called softly, opening my door.

”Go away,” I replied abruptly.

”Edward, please. We need to figure out what to do here,” Esme whispered. She felt horrible, her pain evident in every part of her, but I couldn’t help my reaction, as irrational as it may be.

”GO AWAY!” I growled.

Esme looked at me, then at Alice, who was devastated as well. Alice’s thoughts were scattered; she was horribly remorseful for what her husband had done, but she was consumed with grief for the loss of her best friend, too. Part of me understood her actions as she reached out and tried to touch Bella, but the anger within me dictated a different response, and I roared in protest.

”DON’T TOUCH HER!”

”Edward, I want to say goodbye,” Alice whispered, her eyes wide with sadness. For a moment, I wavered – Alice was heartbroken, and I felt for her. However, if I let her say goodbye, then they would only start the process of trying to take Bella from me, which I would not allow – it would make it to real.

”Leave us,” I demanded.

Esme, truly full of pity, took Alice’s hand and led her from the room, softly closing the door behind them. I knew just how unreasonable they both thought I was being, but of course they didn’t understand.

”Bella, I’m so sorry,” I whispered softly, as I pressed my lips to her ear. ”Please, please, come back to me. I’ll do anything, please don’t leave me,” I pleaded, clutching her beautiful, porcelain face between my hands.

As much as I begged, I knew she was already gone. Slowly, I bent down to kiss her lips. The fire that was once behind them was gone; I would not feel the want and need of her body against mine, I wouldn’t feel her fingers tangle in my hair.

She would never say my name in her sleep again, I would never see her eyes flutter when she’s dreaming, I would never hear the sweet sound of her voice, or the familiarity of her laugh. More importantly, I would never feel her warm touch on my skin, or smell her scent again. The perfection that had been my soul mate was gone forever.

My world was lost, my life was over.

Carlisle POV

”What are we going to do?” Emmett asked urgently.

”I’m not sure. We can’t keep her here,” I said quietly, as I approached Jasper. ”Are you all right?”

”It’s my fault, Carlisle, all my fault,” Jasper moaned, his hands gripping his hair. He was tormenting himself, clearly.

”It will be all right,” I said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

”How can it be? I killed her. I killed the love of Edward’s life! He’ll never forgive me!” Jasper cried out, overwhelmed with despair. Of course he was not only feeling horrible for what he had done, but he was obviously feeling everyone else’s emotions as well. Shock, anger, horror, incredible grief…not to mention whatever horrid emotions were coming from Edward.

”Shh. Calm yourself, son. As unfortunate as it is, we all knew the risk.” I was being generous here…in actuality, I was one of the truly horrified, which I knew he sensed. This would surely destroy Edward. I just had to keep calm so I didn’t upset Jasper further – the guilt coming off of him was overpowering. I could only hope that he knew we all still loved him, regardless of our reactions right now.

Esme was beside me now, as was Alice, who took Jasper in her arms, trying to comfort him. The two of them were hurting immensely. Alice lost her best friend, at the hands of her own husband. Jasper had murdered his wife’s best friend, and his brother’s only love. I was at a loss for the first time in my many years on this Earth.

”I’ll get some cleaning supplies,” Esme said, leaving the room quietly.

The pool of Bella’s blood was still on the floor, as were the pieces of shattered glass, cake and presents. I helped Esme clean, hoping it would help clear my head. So many things had happened tonight, things that never should have happened. It was supposed to be a beautiful evening to celebrate Bella’s birthday. Instead, because of a stupid paper cut, our family loses the one thing we’ve been searching for.

How would we fix this? Would we have to leave again? Where would we go? How would Charlie take it? What would this do to Renee? What on earth was this going to do to Edward?

Once the mess was cleaned, I followed Esme into the kitchen. She poured the liquid cleaner down the drain, her hands shaking. As I placed my arms around her, she turned and buried her face in my chest.

”Oh Carlisle, how could this have happened?” she murmured.

”I don’t know,” I answered her sorrowfully.

”You know what this means, right?” she asked.

”Yes. How is Edward?” I replied, my concern taking over.

”As well as to be expected, I suppose. He’s completely heartbroken. I’ve never seen him this distraught before. I don’t know how to comfort him,” Esme said, her voice full of anxiety.

In all of my years as a doctor, I always knew exactly what to say to comfort the family of someone who died. Tonight, however, I was at a loss for words. The only thought going through my mind was that our family, our way of life, was over. Things would never be the same.

An hour later, I called everyone into the living room to discuss what we were going to do. I decided to leave Edward alone for now – I knew he wouldn’t come downstairs anyway.

”We need to decide what to do with…Bella’s body. Clearly, we can’t keep her here,” I began.
There was a brief moment of silence; everyone was clearly struggling to deal with reality.

”What about a car accident?” Rosalie asked, speaking first.

”What do you mean?” Jasper asked quietly, disturbed at her nonchalant attitude.

”I could set it up to look like she was in an accident on her way home from the party. It’s the only thing that would fit. Anything else raises more questions than need be,” Rosalie answered abruptly, shrugging her shoulders.

Although I didn’t care for her dismissive attitude, she was right. I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was already midnight – we would have to hurry. I glanced at Alice.

“Will this work Alice?” I questioned softly.

Alice closed her eyes briefly, searching for our answer. After a moment, she returned her gaze to me, sadness overwhelming her features. “Yes, there won’t be any problems,” she said quietly.

”We’ll need to do this quickly, it’s getting late,” I said, glancing back at Rosalie.

Rosalie stood quickly, and left the house. As I heard Bella’s truck start outside, I accepted that she was going to get everything set up. However, there was still the problem of Bella’s body.

”Emmett, Jasper, you’re going to need to help me with Edward,” I ordered.

”Carlisle, I don’t know if I can,” Jasper said, perplexed. He was afraid of upsetting Edward further.

”You can, and you will,” I paused. ”It’s going to be hard enough getting her body away from him…we’re going to need the help, Jasper,” I finished in hushed tones, bowing my head. I knew how much pain this was causing my family.

We all quietly and slowly walked up the stairs to Edward’s room. I tried opening the door, but it had been barricaded from the inside, clearly sending all of us a message. On the other side of the door, I heard Edward growl. Emmett sighed, regretful of what he had to do. He reached out, ripping the door from the wall, and pushed aside Edward’s dresser.

Once inside, I was greeted with the saddest sight I had ever seen. Bella and Edward were laying side by side. One of Edward’s hands was tracing the shape and contours of Bella’s face, another clutching her body close to his. This was not going to be easy. Esme and Alice stood next to Bella, while Emmett, Jasper and I stood behind Edward.

”Edward, it’s time,” I said quietly.

”No,” he whispered desperately, clutching her closer to him.

I bent over Edward and began to pry his fingers from her. His body turned to stone over hers. Emmett gently pushed me aside, and pulled Edward from Bella. Esme carefully lifted Bella from Edward’s couch, cradling her limp body to her chest. This caused Edward to go crazy; he tried with all of his might to free himself from Emmett’s grip, growls ripping from his throat. Jasper moved in to help Emmett, as Edward was almost too much to restrain, even for Emmett.

”NO! DON’T TAKE HER FROM ME! PLEASE!! ANOTHER HOUR! ANOTHER MINUTE! PLEASE!” Edward cried.

Emmett tightened his grip, and Jasper blocked any escape.

”LET GO OF ME, EMMETT!! I NEED HER! I NEED MY BELLA! SHE’S ALL I HAVE!” Edward kept struggling.

”She’s gone, Edward. She’s gone,” Emmett murmured to him. He felt terrible for restraining Edward this way, but he knew it had to be done.

”NO! PLEASE, ESME! YOU WON’T DO THIS TO ME – I KNOW YOU WON’T! DON’T TAKE HER FROM ME!” he pleaded, turning his tortured eyes to his mother.

Rosalie returned, and let us know she was ready to go. Esme, tearing her pained expression from Edward’s, carefully handed Bella to her.

”Be gentle,” I heard her whisper to Rosalie.

Rose nodded quickly, and then disappeared. Alice took one last look at Edward, released a yelp of pain, and hid her face in her hands as she ran from the room.

Edward finally broke free from Emmett’s grip and headed towards the door. Jasper and I shoved him back to the floor. Edward thrashed around, growling and shaking beneath our grip.

”Calm yourself, Edward,” I said to him, as gently as I could.

”I need her… I need her, Carlisle! She’s everything to me – don’t you understand that?!”

”I know that, but it’s too late. There’s nothing we can do for her now,” I answered sadly.

Esme knelt next to us, reaching out. Her eyes shone with pain and compassion. ”Edward, my son, we all know how much you truly loved her. Take comfort in knowing she loved you just as much, and that she is at peace now,” she whispered. She would do anything to take away his pain.

Esme’s words seemed to calm Edward a bit, but it didn’t last long. The rest of the night was torture, as Emmett, Jasper and I had to restrain Edward. He fought us continually, consumed by the desire to get back to Bella. I could only pray that tonight would be the worst of it, but I knew I was kidding myself. Who knew what hell tomorrow would bring when they found Bella’s body.

Desperation – Chapter 2
Carlisle POV
The morning came quickly. Edward was just as bad today as he was yesterday, and I had a feeling that wouldn’t change anytime soon. Growls still came from deep in his chest, and he still struggled to break free from us. I didn’t know what else to do but to hold him as best as I could.
Alice locked herself in her room with Jasper, and every now and then a delicate howl would come from behind her door. I knew she was in pain when I noticed that no new charges had appeared on any of her credit cards. Jasper couldn’t look at any of us. It would only be a matter of time before something happens between him and Edward; if anything did, it wouldn’t be pretty. It had also occurred to me that Jasper may just leave – all of us could feel the relentless complex emotions coming from him – he was very tormented. I desperately wanted to keep my family together, but I simply didn’t know what to do.
On the morning news, it was announced that Bella had been found by a passing motorist. The report was that Bella was driving home, swerved to miss a deer, or some sort of animal, and went off the side of the road. When her truck hit the embankment, she was thrown and landed in the river, where she must have hit her head, killing her instantly. Between the current and the heavy rain overnight, they assumed the blood from her wounds had washed away.
Late that afternoon, Esme and I left the house. Neither of us wanted to, but we needed to pay our respects to Charlie, keep up the pretenses. How was I supposed to face this man, when it was my own son that ultimately murdered his one and only daughter? Regardless, it was necessary. Emmett and Jasper had strict instructions to call me if Edward got worse. Emmett still had to stay with him, in his room, to keep him from leaving.
When we pulled up in front of Charlie’s house, there were people everywhere. Students were standing all across the lawn embracing each other, family members were standing on the porch, with blank looks on their faces. Once inside, I found Charlie, Renee and Phil. Renee and Phil must have caught the very first flight out this morning – they looked exhausted. Charlie stood, and slowly approached me.
”Charlie, my deepest sympathies,” I said, my voice full of remorse. The look on his face was nearly enough to make me flee; the grief and shock had almost rendered him unrecognizable.
”Carlisle…” he began, but quickly gave up, lowering his gaze to the floor.
He was at a loss for words. His face was that of someone who had his world ripped from him. He motioned for us to follow, as he walked to the backyard. Even in this current state, he was trying not to further upset Renee. He obviously still cared greatly for her. Esme chose to stay with Renee, who was now sobbing uncontrollably.
”How are Edward and Alice?” Charlie asked quietly.
”Not well, I’m afraid. More importantly, how are you?” I replied, turning the focus back to him, away from my family.
”I just keep thinking this is just a horrible, horrible dream. But then one of her friends shows up and I realize it’s all true. It’s not fair, Carlisle,” Charlie replied, burying his head in his hands.
”No….it’s not. I am truly sorry, Charlie,” I said quietly. He had no idea just how sorry I was… ”If there is anything we can do for your family, please don’t hesitate to ask.”
After discovering the possibility to exist without feeding from humans, there had been few times in my lifetime when I truly felt like a monster – now was one of them, as I stood in front of Bella’s father, lying through my teeth. He wouldn’t be in this position if it weren’t for my family, and yet here I stood, playing the concerned town doctor. I’ve never felt such guilt.
Charlie just nodded his head, lost in his grief.
”Part of me just wants everyone to leave so I can deal with this the only way I know how – alone, but it’s comforting to see everyone as well. I didn’t realize how many people loved her,” Charlie said softly.
“It was hard not to. Bella was an amazing young woman. Who knows what she would have become…” I drifted off, wondering what would have become of the extraordinary girl if things had gone differently…most of my family had truly hoped one day she would become one of us, joining us in immortality. I was one of those that had hoped just that. In the time that we had known her, she had transformed our son from the brooding, loathing person he was, into a happy, brilliantly in love man. I could only imagine what would happen to him now…
”I wonder…would it be possible to talk to Alice, and maybe Edward?” Charlie asked hesitantly, interrupting my morbid thoughts.
”I’m sure I can arrange something,” I answered reassuringly. Although it may offer Charlie some sort of peace, that would be much more difficult than I led on…my family was currently falling apart, and was in no condition to speak to Bella’s father – especially Edward or Alice.
”I just need to talk to the last people who saw her alive. I need to know that she was happy,” Charlie whispered.
”She was, Charlie, I can assure you that. Although I’m sure she didn’t like the fact that Alice went overboard for her birthday, she did enjoy herself,” I responded truthfully, hoping to somehow console him.
Charlie shook his head again, clearly fighting back the emotions that were trying to push through.
”I just…I just wish I knew if she felt any pain. That’s the worst part of it,” he said, almost to himself.
I sighed internally, not sure how much longer I could handle this – it was torture, almost like re-living it. ”I don’t think she felt any pain, Charlie. It sounds like it happened so fast – I’m sure she didn’t have any time to think. From reading the coroner’s report, I believe I can be fairly certain when I assure you that she didn’t even realize what was happening,” I murmured.
Lies, more lies, each of them ripping part of my soul away from me. I knew that she had indeed felt pain, and a lot of it – the fear of it had sent her into cardiac arrest. How could I ever get past this? How could my family? If Charlie only knew the truth; if only he knew what really happened. I shuddered at the thought – of course this way was better for him, for everyone. We would just have to find a way to deal with the pain and the guilt that came with it…somehow. It was far better for all of us to suffer, than to let this innocent man, or Bella’s mother, suffer more than they already had to.
Charlie interrupted my thoughts. ”Everyone keeps asking about the funeral. I can’t get Renee to talk about anything, she’s so distraught. Even Phil can’t get her to talk about it. Bella would probably hate the fact that we’re making such a fuss over her. It’s just so complicated…”
”Possibly, but I’m also sure she would appreciate all the thought and effort. I wouldn’t worry too much about Renee, her reaction to the situation is fairly normal; she’ll come around soon. Like I said, if you need anything, we’re always here, Charlie,” I replied softly.
“Thank you. I know Bella must have meant a lot to your family as well. You were all so good to her – she’s never had such close friends all her life,” Charlie said sincerely.
That hurt. She’d never been closer to anyone, yet what good did that end up doing? The very people she was closest too, the people she trusted implicitly, ended up killing her. This part of being what we are, having to keep up such a facade when something went wrong, had never hurt quite like it did this time.
”Bella touched each of our lives, and we’re all feeling a heavy loss. Nothing compared to yours, though.” I wasn’t sure that was necessarily true, as one of my sons was currently fighting his sibling in order to get to Bella’s corpse just so he could be near her again, and one of my daughter’s had locked herself away in her room.
A little while later, we rejoined Esme and Renee inside. I expressed that it was time for us to leave, but to contact us if they needed anything. As Esme and I were walking to our car, a few classmates of Bella’s stopped us.
”Doctor Cullen, Mrs. Cullen, we’re sorry, but could you please give these to Edward and Alice?” a young girl asked, handing us two cards.
”Certainly,” Esme said, taking them.
”Would you let them know that everyone’s going to the site of the accident tonight, for a candle light vigil?” another one asked.
”Of course, although I’m not sure they’ll attend,” I said.
Esme and I got into the car. Esme was quiet in the car, staring blankly out of the window. She had enjoyed feeling like a second mother to Bella, and she was carrying a heavy loss as well.
What was killing me through all of this was the fact that there was nothing I could do to ease anyone’s pain. As a doctor, it’s my priority to ease the pain of my patients, to heal them. However, this…this was so much worse. No drug could heal their wounds, no words could calm their pain. It was beyond hell. Every time I looked into the eyes of my family, a new piece of me was torn apart. I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to carry everyone’s burden before I snapped as well.

EPOV
There was nothing left for me – I had no desire to exist. After they took Bella’s body from me, I did everything I could to try to get back to her. Wrought with unimaginable pain, all I could think of was her lifeless body, floating in the creek I knew Rosalie had left her in. I wanted nothing more than to curl up beside her in that creek bed – forget the water, forget everything. My Bella was all alone now, as was I. Everyone was trying to soothe me – it was completely pointless. Nothing could offer me comfort now; I was missing my soul.
My family’s thoughts told me when Bella’s body was discovered – someone had come across it on their way to work, very early in the morning. I surmised that they took her to the hospital, to the morgue. I couldn’t help but be completely fixated by where her body was going to be…I just wanted to be near her; it seemed natural to me, to think of where she was from minute to minute. I was dreading the point that I knew would come – hearing that her body was at rest, underground, where I would never be able to see her again.
I needed to calm myself. Bella wouldn’t be happy with my actions, but how could I not be this way? She was my life. She was my everything, and now she was gone. The spark that was once inside me had died, the meteor that had lit my world on fire had been extinguished. I felt more of a monster now then I did before I met my sweet Bella – I felt entirely empty.

Jasper’s POV
How in the world could I have done this? And to my brother of all people? Why couldn’t I control my need? Worst of all, how could I take my loving wife’s best friend? I had been feeling each member of my family’s emotions relentlessly, and combined with the horrid guilt I felt, it was beginning to break me.
Alice’s pain hurt the most – my sweet, loving Alice is lost in her mourning, because of me…and there’s nothing I can do about it, except maybe leave. I’m not sure I can trust myself to be around her or my family now. Feeling their pain has made me realize most of them, if not all, will most likely never be able to forgive me, and I do not blame them. I’m sure Alice will beg me to stay if I were to decide to go, tell me it was just an accident and that she forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself. Maybe I’ll leave after the funeral, when everyone’s focus is on Edward. Maybe I’ll head south and find a coven down there. Perhaps my punishment will be to forever hate myself – to see only Bella’s face, full of fear, every time I close my eyes, to feel only Edward’s pain every waking moment. I suppose it would also be fitting if I forced myself to stay, and feel their hatred and pain relentlessly. As is was, feeling the depth of Edward’s pain now had me escaping the confines of the house, with the excuse of hunting, as much as possible.
Alice, I’m sure, would blame herself if I left. She’s my reason for living, and is the only thing keeping me here at the moment. I love her with everything I am, and it would kill me to leave her, but didn’t I deserve to be miserable? My love for her was really the only thing keeping me from forming a solid decision. The turmoil of emotions constantly swirling around me, and in turn coming off of me, was only making everyone’s lives so much more difficult. I wanted to console my wife, but instead, I was only making it harder for her.
Really, I am no longer deserving of her love or compassion. I don’t deserve her or this family anymore; I never have. I’ve always been the one they’ve had to look out for, and now I’ve gone and ruined everything Carlisle’s worked so hard for.

Carlisle’s POV
When we returned home, the house was quiet. Too quiet. We found Alice with Edward. The two of them were seated next to each other, completely silent. I assumed they were having their own private conversation. Emmett was still there, as were Rosalie and Jasper. Something was bothering me about Rose, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Esme placed the cards we received before Edward and Alice.
”Tonight is a candle light vigil at the site where Bella was found. I think it would do all of us some good to go,” I said.
Rosalie rolled her eyes and let out a quiet grunt.
”I don’t see why,” she said quietly.
Alice’s eyes flew open in a rage. ”What is the matter with you, Rosalie?!”
”I just don’t see why some of us have to go. It’s not like she was my friend or anything,” Rosalie replied bitterly.
”ROSALIE HALE!” Alice shouted as she stood. ”All Bella ever wanted was for you to like her, and now, even in death, you can’t grant her that!”
”She wasn’t important to me; I mean really, she’s been wanting Edward to kill her since the whole James thing. Why are we mourning when she would have gotten her wish in time?” Rosalie retorted callously.
”Because this is not how it was supposed to happen – she wasn’t supposed to be killed at the hands of my husband!! She was supposed to,-”
”Die at the hands of Edward? How is this any different?” Rosalie interrupted Alice.
”Bella wanted Edward to change her, not kill her. There’s a difference, obviously.” Alice hissed, her pixie figure oddly menacing.
”Sure there is,” Rosalie replied, rolling her eyes.
”Girls,” I spoke sternly. ”this will not solve anything. What happened was a tragedy; an accident. Yes, Bella wanted to become one of us, but to say her death is not important, Rosalie, is shameful. Bella meant a great deal to everyone in this family and I will not have you tarnish her name.”
”I’m not, Carlisle, I’m just raising the point that you are putting way too much into this. And I, for one, refuse to act like it’s some huge loss,” she said looking out the window. ”She was just a klutzy girl with no style.”
Before any of us could think, Edward was across the room, hissing menacingly in Rosalie’s face.
”She was my life! She was my everything! How dare you treat her memory this way!” he growled, consumed with anger, his whole frame trembling.
Rosalie was stunned and horrified at the force behind Edward’s words. Emmett, angry not only at his wife but at Edward as well, glared at Edward, as silent communication passed between them. Emmett reached and pulled Rosalie into his arms, as she stood there, staring at the floor. Maybe now she realized what a loss this actually was, but I doubted it. I knew she never approved of Bella, but there had to be a way for her to understand the magnitude of all of this. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t at least keep her opinions to herself, if only for Alice’s sake.
At nightfall, I gathered my family together. Edward and Alice declined, as they were not ready to face everyone. Jasper stayed behind to not only watch over Edward, but to comfort his wife too. He didn’t voice it, but I was sure his guilt kept him away as well, as it was painful to just be around him. It was only a short walk from the house to the crash location. By the time we got there, the majority of the student body had already arrived. On the ground were pictures of Bella, surrounded by candles and flowers. There were a few notes as well. I spotted Charlie and Renee, and joined them. You could see the exhaustion on Charlie’s face. Rene was clutching onto Phil with all of her might; I didn’t know what to say to her.
Many of the students came up to Esme and I, asking about Alice and Edward, wondering where they were. We weren’t there long before a scene unfolded before us. Angela, a shy girl, who was considered Bella’s best friend outside of our family, arrived with her parents, and instantly broke down. Her boyfriend, Ben, was already there with his family, and did his best to comfort her, gently leading her away from the creek.
We stayed at the vigil for a couple of hours, speaking with various friends and family of Bella’s during that time. Finally, as it came to an end, I felt relief in knowing that we could return home, even though it would be just as difficult there. At least we wouldn’t have to keep up the charade when we were out of the public eye – it was hard to hide our guilt.
As I glanced around at this crowd of people, trying to console one another as they returned to their cars, I looked over at my wife. Although our grief was immense, my very thoughts were reflected back at me in her eyes. Never, in all our time on this earth, had we felt like bigger frauds than we did at this moment.

Desperation – Chapter 3
EPOV

Alice and I were sitting together in the living room, watching the sun rise, while still under the almost constant cover of clouds that was typical here. She was curled up against me, but remained fairly silent. Even her thoughts were relatively quiet; she was grieving, and lost in her sadness. She desperately missed her best friend, yet felt horrible for expressing it, because it only made Jasper feel worse. He had been spending less time in the house – he was becoming overwhelmed by everyone and everything.

Today is the day I had been dreading – today is Bella’s funeral. The clouds hovered above threateningly, as I recalled the few occurrences we’d been able to enjoy the sunlight, in our meadow. I looked down at Alice. Her head was resting on my lap. Yesterday was emotionally draining for her, and we would need each other today of all days. She was thinking about Jasper now, about how he was distancing himself, and how it worried her. I tried to block her thoughts from my mind and focus on making it through the day’s events.

It had taken a lot for me to even get to this point. Eventually, I had realized that no one was going to leave me alone until they were quite sure I wouldn’t go running off after Bella. In truth, I knew going after her was pointless….she was gone, and nothing would change that. It was the desire and the need to be near her that was crushing; that drove me to react so irrationally. The thought that I would never see her again is partially why I was here now – out of my room, unguarded – this would be my last chance to see her beautiful face, forever. This forced me to find some kind of composure within myself – I wouldn’t miss the chance to see her one last time.

Carlisle saw the sudden change in me, and had allowed Emmett to leave me alone with my grief. He knew I wasn’t going to run anymore. The same horrid, unfathomable pain was still there – it hadn’t decreased, not at all – but the desire to see my love again helped me to put on the necessary facade. How I would actually get through it was another matter entirely…how I would leave her side after seeing her…I refused to focus on these things. I would worry about that later – I just had to get back to her.

”Are we going to be able to do this?” Alice asked me silently, interrupting my own thoughts.

”I don’t know, you tell me,” I said aloud, letting out a heavy sigh. We both paused, and a moment later we saw that we would, but it wouldn’t be pleasant.

”Well…we’ll get through it, but it’s going to be awful for both of us. Maybe you should say something to Jasper; he’s hurting so badly. He wasn’t even going to attend today, Edward. He told me the only reason why he was going was for punishment- to make himself see what he’d done; to force the images into his mind to see forever,” her thoughts replied.
”I will in time. Not today.” I was still unsure if I could stay in control for that conversation.

Our silence returned, until Esme suggested we get ready. Thankfully, most of the family was doing their best to block their thoughts from me, trying to give me privacy. We would be arriving early, at the request of Charlie and Renee. The family was having a private viewing before the service, and asked us to join them. I wasn’t sure if I could do this – how would I be able to hold myself together at the sight of her?

After showering, I changed into my black suit. The card from Bella’s friends still lay on my night stand. Since I still had a few minutes before we left, I figured now would be as good a time as ever. It had a red rose on the front, and contained many signatures and short notes from several different people. Inside the card, however, was a picture of Bella and I that Angela had taken on the last day of school. I was carrying her on my back, piggy-back style, and she had her head thrown back in laughter. She looked so beautiful; her face contained the look of pure joy. The pain of loss fought madly with my effort to remain composed. I sat down for a moment, as I struggled with my thoughts and emotions. Clearing my mind, I took a deep breath, made sure I had everything I needed, placed the picture in the pocket of my jacket, and joined my family downstairs.

Alice, Jasper and I rode with Carlisle and Esme in the Mercedes, while Emmett drove Rosalie in her BMW. Once we reached the school, thoughts of depression, guilt, and sadness hit me like a ton of bricks, and I glanced at Jasper to see just how badly it was affecting him. His facial features were drawn tight, and as he returned my glance he thought only one thing: ”I deserve to have to feel this. This has all happened because of me.”

It was as if the entire town was in mourning for this one girl. A girl who didn’t like to be fussed over, a girl who was friends with everyone and refused to be part of any clique.

As we walked to the school, Esme and Alice each took one of my hands. Today would be one of the worst of my life, second only to the day Bella actually died; they are amazed that I made it to the service at all. This was the first time Alice and I had seen Charlie since the accident. He was fighting back tears, and it hurt me to see him in this much pain. I couldn’t meet his gaze – this was all my fault. The depth of sadness and regret that filled his thoughts screamed out at me, as if reminding me yet again that I should have stayed away from her. I should have stayed in Alaska and let her live her life without me; it would have been better. What made it even worse was that as distraught as he was, he did not have any anger towards me…the opposite, in fact. He was thinking that he was truly glad that Bella had met me, that she’d been happy with me.

We all gathered in a classroom close to the gym. Standing in a corner were three girls I recognized by face only. They were Bella’s girlfriends from Phoenix that Carlisle had flown in last night. Their familiarity brought some peace to Renee – she was reminded of the times the girls would lounge around her living room, talking and laughing late into the night. The pastor from a local church came in and prayed with us. Alice was clutching my hand so hard she would have cut off the circulation, if it were possible. She was dreading this. As I’d seen the images play out in her mind earlier, I had to wonder if any of us would get through this day at all…but of course we’d seen that we would, somehow.

We sat and waited, as Bella’s family went in and said their final goodbyes. I closed my eyes and tried to remember my sweet Bella’s face. Instead, I was faced the look of utter terror that was written on Bella’s face after she had been bitten. I tried to push it out of my mind; I needed to see a happier Bella. I needed to see my Bella – to see the light in her brown eyes, the love in her smile, the scarlet of her cheeks. Desperately I tried to see that, but all I could see was the horror that were the last moments of her life.

”Edward, calm yourself,” Esme said softly, as she touched my arm. When I opened my eyes, I realized I was shaking violently. ”It’s time.”

”I can’t,” I whispered, looking into her eyes.

”You must. No peace will come to you if you don’t say goodbye,” Esme replied silently. She wrapped her arms around me, trying to soothe me.

”I can’t say goodbye to her. I can’t, Esme,” I replied in hushed tones, trying to will her to understand.

A wave of calm quickly surrounded me. Jasper was standing behind me; he was forcing himself to keep his composure, if only for Alice and I. As angry as I was with him, I could not argue with the benefits his gift was offering at the moment – I needed the help, however, his thoughts of self-loathing were beginning to override his calming effect.

Standing slowly, I felt Esme take my arm again. As we walked into the gym, Alice completely broke down at the sight of Bella’s casket. Her thoughts became chaotic, jumbled and disturbed. Her breath came in gasps, and her tiny frame began to shake uncontrollably. It was fortunate this was a private viewing. Jasper picked her up, and carried her to a far corner to try to calm her down. I remained at the door with Emmett and Rosalie, as Carlisle and Esme went to say their goodbyes. They were both so shaken by all of this; I didn’t know how the two of them could cope, with not only the weight of their loss, but the weight of all of us. Carlisle was trying to be strong for all of us, but he was reaching a breaking point – he felt so horrible about what had happened. Esme was purely heartbroken – she’d come to love Bella so much, and had wanted to protect her as any mother would. They both thought of Bella as a daughter, so it didn’t surprise me that they stood there, motionless, silent and completely lost.

Rosalie and Emmett said their goodbyes next. Emmett hesitated at Bella’s casket….he was struggling with his thoughts, trying to find the proper thing to say. He’d grown fairly attached to Bella, and had loved her clumsy side, so much that he’d begun to think of her as his little sister. He’d wanted to protect her, and he felt as though he had failed. Emmett had never been one to show much emotion, so it was unnerving to watch as he began to reveal this side of himself. It was odd – to see a person of his strength, of his massive size, tearlessly sobbing. His hands gripped the edge of Bella’s coffin, as his body shook with grief. Rosalie grasped his hand, guiding him away.

My family shouldn’t be suffering like this, I thought.

Alice and Jasper were still off in the corner. She was calmer now, and together they began slowly walking up to the casket. Alice kept thinking to herself, ”I can do this, I can do this, Bella would kill me if she knew I was behaving like this.” I grimaced; it was true – she’d be irritated with all of us. I could picture her standing there, her hands on her hips, her cheeks red with anger, her lips pursed. For the briefest of moments, I smiled to myself at the thought of her, before reality called to me, and devastation took over, yet again.

When Alice stood before Bella, I tried my best to shut her thoughts out of my mind. If I listened to her, it would break my composure. It was difficult, because Alice was screaming internally for Bella to return to us. Jasper was desperately trying to calm her again. There was something strange about him; he was detached from everyone, from everything. I couldn’t hear his thoughts now, he was keeping me out, and the few times that he slipped, it was nothing more than self-hatred. I would examine that further, but not now – it was not the time for me to concern myself with my brother’s state of mind. It was going to take all of my concentration to remain stable, and somehow push through this hell.

”Edward,” Carlisle spoke aloud from behind me. He was with Charlie and Emmett, who were looking at me expectantly; it was my turn. I didn’t miss the fact that Carlisle and Emmett were there to watch over me.

I motioned for them to go ahead of me. Walking behind them, I approached where Bella lay. The moment I saw her face, I had to turn away. The shock of it was too much. I had seen this image in Alice’s mind earlier, but it still hadn’t prepared me for it.

”I can’t – I can’t do this,” I muttered harshly, my hands clutching my hair, desperately fighting to keep my sanity.
Carlisle and Emmett both placed a hand on my shoulder, trying to calm me. Turning slowly, I tried to look again. This is what I’d been waiting for – to see her again – so why was it so difficult? Breathing deeply, I carefully looked closer. Even in death she was beautiful – an angel. She was wearing my favorite blue sweater, and her hair had loose curls, just the way I loved it. Her face was peaceful; different from the last time I saw her. Reaching out, I gently touched her. Her skin wasn’t cold, nor was it warm. She didn’t feel the way she used to when I touched her, it was different.

I stood abruptly, and walked briskly to the other side of the gym, behind the bleachers, where I couldn’t see her.. I had to clear my mind for a moment. Of course, Emmett and Carlisle were right behind me, their thoughts invading my privacy.
”That’s not her. That’s not my Bella!” I forced out, under my breath in hushed tones.

”I’m so sorry, Edward,” Carlisle said quietly. ”But you need to say goodbye. You need the closure. I know it’s difficult,-”
Glaring back at him, I replied harshly. ”No. I will not say goodbye. I will go through the motions if I must, but I will not say goodbye to her – ever.”

I stood with my head resting against the wall, while I banged my fist against it. Emmett reached out, discreetly placing his hand on mine, lowering it.

”You’re going to demolish that wall if you keep that up, bro,” his eyes motioning silently to a small section in the concrete that had crumbled into dust. Stepping away from the wall, I moved to where it wouldn’t be noticed. I didn’t know how to deal with a loss this great. Nothing had ever affected me this way. She shouldn’t be dead; she should be here, with me, in my arms. We should be lying in the sun in our meadow. I shouldn’t be here, mourning her. I couldn’t do this – I needed to get away, yet I didn’t want to leave without her.

”Edward,” Charlie interrupted, joining us. ”Edward, I know this is tough for you. Bella truly loved you.” He paused, sighing. ”As much as I struggled with your relationship at times, you were a blessing to her. She lit up when you were around…you brought about a happiness in her that I don’t think anyone else ever could have, and I’m thankful for that. You meant the world to her, Edward. If it hadn’t been for you or your family, I don’t think she would have stayed.” His thoughts were genuine.

Charlie’s thoughts and words calmed me enough to make it back to her. I kept expecting her to move, to turn her head to look at me, and tell me it was all some kind of sick joke. Instead, she lay there – still, silent, gone. As much as I wanted and needed to turn away, I couldn’t. Tremors began ripping through me again as I reached out to touch her, running my hand softly along her cheek, down her jaw line. There was no flutter of her eyelashes, no giggle from her lips, no blush in her cheeks. I took her hand, as best as I could, in mine. Usually she would squeeze it to let me know she wouldn’t let go without a fight. Now, however, it was just a weight in my hand – there was nothing behind it.

”Oh Bella,” I whispered softly. ”How could I have let this happen? How can I let you go?”

”She loved you, Edward, you know that,”Emmett thought to me.

”I can’t say goodbye to you,” I whispered. ”I won’t do it. You should be here with me.”

”Edward, people are starting to arrive outside. You need to say goodbye,”Carlisle thought.

Placing my hand on her cheek again, I slowly leaned in and kissed her soft lips. I lowered my head to her chest, listening – I missed hearing the beat of her heart. It was then that I had to accept that she was truly gone forever; I was in the ultimate hell. Reaching into my suit pocket, I retrieved my mother’s wedding ring, which I had purposefully brought with me. Discreetly, I reached my hand into the coffin, and gently slipped the ring onto the ring finger of her left hand. Pulling her hand to my lips, I placed one last kiss on her beautiful skin.

”This has always belonged to you, from the second you entered this world. You would have been my wife one day, I know that, and in my heart, you already were and always will be. You are my life. You will always be my life. I will not actually say goodbye, as I will never let you go. I will love you for eternity, or until I join you,” I whispered, resting my hand above my heart, feeling the outline of my father’s wedding band, which rested on a chain beneath my shirt.

Emmett began tugging on my arm, pulling me away from my beloved. Internally, I began to shut down.

Carlisle POV

As the public started to arrive, I gathered my family and joined Renee and Charlie. I watched as Renee embraced both Edward and Alice.

Once everyone was seated, we were escorted in. I made sure that Emmett and I sat on either side of Edward, just in case he felt the need to run, whether it be back to Bella, or away from here. Either way, we had to be here to support him – I was very concerned about his mental state. He must be in so much pain. I believe, had she lived, he would have married her eventually, and made her very happy. She had brought out so much of him; I was terrified at the thought of him losing it. I couldn’t let Edward go back to the way he was before.. There was no way I could let him think of himself as nothing but a monster, because he wasn’t – he was loving and loyal. If he was a monster, how could he love her so deeply? So passionately? So wholly?

Several times during the service, I glanced over at Edward, silently questioning his well-being. Each time, he’d only nod once in recognition, to let me know he was still handling it. Since he had left Bella’s side, he had become disturbingly still and quiet. Deeply worried for him, I sat listening to Bella’s friends from Phoenix tell humorous stories about Bella and her klutziness. When they commenced, I looked to Esme; she knew what I was thinking.

More feelings of fraud washed over me, as I prepared to speak about our dear Bella. Charlie had made the request that I speak at the service, if I were willing to. He had said he couldn’t handle it himself, and thought I would be a fitting replacement – his comment that Bella had started to think of me as a second father forced my decision. How could I deny his only request of me? I stood and slowly walked to the podium.

”My family was lucky to have been a part of Bella’s life,” I began. ”I met her shortly after her arrival here in Forks, after an accident brought her into the hospital. However, I didn’t get to know her until my son brought her home to meet all of us. Bella was a remarkable young woman; I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like her. Maybe I’m not the right person to be speaking here about her, however, I can tell you that what I knew of her only makes me wonder more what she could have been. We’ve all heard different stories, but there’s one in particular that I want to share. My story is a love story between her and my son, Edward. Most of you were able to witness and experience it as her friends, but my wife and I were able to look upon it as adults, and we saw so much potential for the two of them. She brought out the best in my son, and he brought out the best in her. They were a complete pair, constantly challenging each other to be better than what they were. They loved beyond their years.

It wasn’t just Edward who loved her – we all did. My wife and I loved her as a third daughter who made our family feel complete and my children all became incredibly fond of her as well. Alice shared a special bond with her, partly because she now had a new friend to go shopping with, much to Bella’s great delight, but she also simply loved having Bella around. I don’t understand why she was taken from us, but I pray it will be revealed in the coming days, and that it gives peace to her mother, Renee, whom she loved so greatly, and to her father, Charlie, who she loved and respected above all things. It won’t be easy for us to move on after a loss this great, but my pain is eased in the knowledge that she’s up there, somewhere, looking down at all of us, wondering what all the fuss is about. I have a feeling she’d tell us to stop this and to get on with it. Sorry, Bella, but none of us can let you go that easy. You were too special. I only wish you could have realized how many lives you touched, because you’ve touched ours in more ways than one, and for that, I will be forever grateful.”

Pausing for a moment after stepping away from the podium, I placed a hand on Bella’s casket, before glancing over at Renee and Charlie. Renee was sobbing uncontrollably, alongside Charlie, who looked as if he were still in shock. The two of them were clutching each others hands, like it was the only thing each other had. As I passed by them to return to my seat, Renee got up from her seat, and threw her arms around me.

”Thank you, Carlisle. I couldn’t have said it better,” Renee said brokenly through her sobs. Charlie nodded silently in agreement, shaking my hand in thanks.

”I just wish there was more I could have said, more I could have done,” I replied regretfully.

As I rejoined my family, I noticed Alice needed for this to be over – she was starting to bounce slightly in her seat from all the anxiety, and looked desperate to leave. I put a loving arm around Edward, like a father to a son, and hoped that he would find comfort. I tried to send him thoughts of comfort, but he was unresponsive, sitting silently, just staring forward.
The pastor returned to the podium; it was almost over, thankfully.

”In preparing for today’s service, I came across a poem that I thought it was fitting:
Remember Me:
To the living, I am gone.
To the sorrowful, I will never return.
To the angry, I was cheated,
But to the happy, I am at peace,
And to the faithful, I have never left.
I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.
So as you stand upon a shore, gazing at a beautiful sea – remember me.
As you look in awe at a mighty forest and its grand majesty – remember me.
As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity – remember me.
Remember me in your heart, your thoughts, and your memories of the times we loved, the times we cried, the times we fought, the times we laughed.
For if you always think of me, I will have never gone.”
The pastor then lead us in the reading of Psalm 23, before he motioned for the choir to begin singing. The song they chose was beautiful, yet sad. As they sang their version of ”I Will Remember You,” the casket was closed. A small cry of desperation escaped from Renee, surely from the knowledge that she would never see her daughter again. Phil held on to her as tightly as possible, while she struggled to stay in her seat. Surely the reaction would be the same for any parent. As the casket closed, I glanced over at Edward. He him trembling…it was the first sign of motion he’d shown since walking away from the casket.
Once the choir was done, the pastor led us in a final prayer.
”Eternal God, let your presence rest upon us as we give thanks for Isabella’s life. We thank you for the days of life that you gave to her. May her memory live long among us and be a source of strength for us. In the midst of the loss we feel as we experience the death of one whom we love, keep us in touch also with the memories which can sustain us. May we find the courage to face the changes which life presents to us as we go on from here. Give to those who most deeply feel this loss the comfort of your presence, and enable each of us to minister to those who mourn. Amen. Go now in peace.”

Alice practically ran out of the gym, with Jasper following behind her. Rising from my seat, I took Esme’s hand as I motioned to Emmett to walk Edward out, then we left quickly as well. It wasn’t until later, just prior to everyone leaving for the burial, that I realized neither Edward or Emmett had emerged yet. I made my way back to the gym, and found him still sitting in his chair with the same vacant look upon his face.. Emmett was sitting next to him, so I sat down on Edward’s other side.

”Edward, we need to go,” Emmett murmured, staring intently at his brother.

Edward said nothing. He was shutting down – this was exactly what I was afraid of.

”Edward, please, you need to pay your respects to Renee and Charlie, then we can go,” I said gently.
”Just leave me,” he replied quietly.

”Come, Edward. We must leave now,” I said, feeling horrible, as Emmett and I both took him by the arm, forcing him to stand. He didn’t fight us; instead, he followed along listlessly, as if he wasn’t even aware of us at all. As we passed the casket, Edward turned his head for one last look. I felt his body rock in resistance; looking into his eyes, I realized the Edward we all loved was gone…forever.

Chapter 4

EPOV

Bella’s funeral destroyed me. Once I declared my intentions to her and kissed her goodbye, I simply died inside. I didn’t participate in her burial – I couldn’t watch as her body was lowered into the ground, never to see the light of day again. It was too much to bear.

I wasn’t sure what day it was – it didn’t really matter – my life was over. Laying across my couch, I draped my arm over my eyes. What was the point of looking at anything, when all I wanted was to look at my Bella. Image after image of her final moments flew through my mind constantly, only to change occasionally to an image of her in her casket.

My family had been checking on me, their thoughts invading my mind, trying to coax me into conversation. Esme, especially, was worried about me – well, that was an understatement. Rosalie even glanced in on me a couple of times, her thoughts typically annoyed with my state of being. The door to my room opened and closed repeatedly, but I ignored it every time. Once, Alice came in, but she didn’t bother me with her questions, she was too far lost in her own thoughts. She simply wandered into my room, curled up on the couch next to me, rested her head on my shoulder, and let me be. Jasper was out again, and she was worried and needed comforting, so of course I allowed her to stay with me. She was overwhelmed with sadness and confusion.

All I could think about was everything I had planned on doing and experiencing with Bella. I had been looking forward to graduation – the first and only time I was truly excited for it. The thought of spending warm days in the sun and quiet nights in her room; I had been eager to experience what truly being with someone would be like. To completely and fully belong to one another – after marriage, we would have been able to take that step together; now, it was just another impossibility.

This only made me think of the wedding we could have had; to see Charlie walk her down the aisle toward me, to look into her tear filled eyes as we said our vows, and raise her veil, kissing her as my spouse. I had wanted nothing more than to have her was my wife – announcing to the world that she belonged to me, and only me. I wanted to love her like Carlisle loves Esme, to know her like Jasper knows Alice, and to desire her, like Emmett desires Rosalie.

I missed her, I needed her. My heart yearned to know that she was okay – that she was at peace. I needed to hear her sweet voice, and until I made a decision on what I was going to do, I knew I wouldn’t be released from this hell.

One afternoon, as I listened to the rain echoing off my window, I allowed my mind to explore various options for the future. I was careful not to settle on any one decision just yet – I had to be cautious of Alice and her sight. Thinking of the possibilities, I was immediately reminded of what each choice would mean to Carlisle and Esme. In every sense of the word, they were my parents – the two people I held in highest regard in this world. Whatever I chose to do, they would be directly affected by my decision, and I detested that. I didn’t want to cause them anymore grief then they already felt, but I couldn’t sit here and do nothing.

Invariably, without realizing it, my subconscious drifted too far, and I began focusing on details I shouldn’t. One of those was the idea of simply leaving – wandering the Earth endlessly, moving from place to place, without any reason or purpose. As that sounded horrifying, I began to imagine myself ending my journey in Italy, where I knew I could seek an answer that would mean…

Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted as my frantic sister’s hurried footsteps and her distraught thoughts rang in my head. Of course, I’d slipped, and indulged my imagination too much, and Alice had a vision of the result. I would have to break my silence momentarily and speak to her to quell her suspicions and put her at peace. Sighing, I waited for her to reach my room, knowing that from now on, I would have to handle this differently. No more wandering thoughts, no more daydreaming. I would not only have to convince Alice that nothing was happening, I would have to lie to myself – make myself believe it too, at least until I made a definite decision. I didn’t want to clue her in to anything again, especially if I chose the one direction that would upset them all the most, as she would surely do everything she could to stop me. This would be difficult to say the least.

A moment later my door creaked open, and Alice hurriedly came in, gazing intently at me, her eyes narrowed.

”Edward…what exactly are you thinking? My vision…was unclear – just flashes, nothing concrete, but I didn’t like what little I saw,” she whispered. ”You will not go wandering around by yourself for eternity, damning yourself to relentless misery, and you will never, ever be going to Italy. At least not that part of Italy.” The vision was fuzzy, with images of both options overlapping and blurring into one another, but she had still gotten the point.

Quickly, I did what I needed too – I told myself I would stay here in Forks, with my family. I made myself believe it, accept it. I shut every other part of my brain down, erasing the distracting thoughts, concentrating on very few aspects, and waited. As far as any thoughts of my future, this was the only reality I would consider…for now. As long as I didn’t make a clear decision, and limit how far I let my wistful daydreams roam, I should be able to keep her at bay.

Just as I had hoped, her eyes took on the familiar distant look, and I saw that the new vision showed me sitting in my room, staring at Bella’s photographs aimlessly. I had succeeded, at least for now.

She lightly shook her head, meeting my gaze suspiciously. ”Care to explain yourself, Edward?” Alice asked warily.

”I’m sorry to have worried you, Alice. I was simply lost in my thoughts, and for only a moment, those two ideas had passed through my mind. You know I wouldn’t want to hurt you or the family like that. Everything’s alright, Alice,” I murmured, my tone sincere.

She studied me for a moment. She was feeling slightly better, surprised at my willingness to speak to her.

”Alice – you know it’s going to be fine, you just saw that for yourself. You would know if anything changes. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere, alright?” I asked, hoping to calm her. As far as I was concerned, that was true….for now. I was just glad she couldn’t read minds, like me.

After another few moments, she slowly nodded her head, seeming to accept my words. Her thoughts were still slightly worried, but her mind was already drifting back to Jasper, wondering if he was alright.

Shortly after that, she returned to her room, seeking Jasper’s comforting arms. From where I sat on the floor, I raised the volume of the music, leaned over, rested my head in my hands, and closed everything else out.

My body was screaming to hunt, but I didn’t see the point anymore. I had no one to live for. It didn’t matter how bad my thirst was, all I wanted to do was let go.

APOV

I’ve never felt so disturbed. What was odd, was that I was familiar with death. I’d seen so many people killed, even had a hand in it many, many times – too many times to count. This was so incredibly different. I didn’t remember much from my human life; all I knew was that my family had locked me away in an asylum. Shock treatments had erased the rest. Honestly, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to remember any of it, if my very own family had me committed and faked my death.

From the moment Edward met Bella, I had known she’d be special to me. After experiencing centuries of timidness from humans we encountered, we’d become accustomed to keeping our distance. Her open demeanor had been so refreshing. I had seen the beauty in her, her willingness to trust someone unconditionally. More than that, I had seen that she’d eventually be with us – forever. How was I supposed to deal with the knowledge that because of a horrible mistake made by my husband, she was torn from this world?

If anyone could sympathize with what Jasper dealt with on a daily basis, it was me. Granted, I couldn’t read his mind, but the two of us were connected in ways that normal people would never understand. From the first instant I saw him in my mind, when I was leaving the asylum, I understood his pain. He struggled with what was right, how it conflicted with what his body called for. He’d been trained to kill, and it was immensely difficult for him to push the carnal pull aside, after having it drilled into his brain for decades.

I was familiar enough with the awful burning, parched feeling. Waking up, alone…the thirst had been overwhelming. If I hadn’t ‘seen’ Jasper, I don’t know what would have become of me. Granted, I killed plenty of people in between, but if I hadn’t found him, I don’t think I would have found my sanity. Remembering the pull of the thirst, I shook my head, trying to bring myself back to the present. He was still fighting that pull, every day of his life, whereas the rest of us could mostly push it aside as long as we stayed well-fed.

The funeral was sheer hell. All of us were so distraught, and it was so hard to keep myself together. I kept getting flashes of one of us possibly leaving, but I couldn’t tell which one of us it was, and it kept changing. I was fairly certain that it was either Edward, or maybe even Jasper, but when I asked Jasper about it, he said he hadn’t made such a decision, and reassured me that everything was fine. I hadn’t had any visions telling me otherwise, so maybe it was Edward. He was refusing to speak to anyone, so I decided I would keep a close eye on him and watch for any signs. Just the thought of my family losing another member was enough to almost put me over the edge.

The burial was difficult as well. I wanted to go home with Edward, but I forced myself to be with the rest of the family, with Jasper. He was adamant that he attend…he was torturing himself. When they lowered Bella’s casket into the ground, Charlie had to walk away, and Renee collapsed into Phil, almost hysterical. It was probably a good thing Edward wasn’t there to witness it.

Jasper and Edward both worried me. Edward was unresponsive to everyone. He allowed me to sit with him occasionally, when Jasper was out hunting, so I wouldn’t have to be alone. I understood his silence, so I didn’t push him…I wanted him to heal, and he needed this time to be alone. I knew he would look into my mind to see how I was doing, but just as quickly, he’d drift away again.

Jasper could barely look me in the eye; he held me, but not like before. It was almost as if he were trying to detach himself. He blamed himself for what happened, and no matter how many times I told him it was an accident, he didn’t believe me. Surely he felt the emotions coming off of me…he knew how upset I was, no matter what he heard. That was the problem with Jasper – he would always know exactly how each of us was feeling, regardless of how much we tried to reassure him. The worst part was that he wouldn’t talk to me unless he needed to. Of course, he said things to calm me down when I was overrun with guilt, but other than that he was silent. It was so hard trying to control my emotions so I wouldn’t upset him further, and it made me feel horrible. I don’t know how I’ll survive if he stays this way.

The afternoon, when I had the scattered, uncertain vision of Edward mindlessly roaming the Earth, combined with flashes of Volterra, I decided I would make him speak to me, whether he wanted to or not. There was no way I’d let either of those possibilities become reality. Surely this was what I had been getting flashes of lately – it must have been Edward, fighting with thoughts of leaving. I was surprised when he spoke so openly to me; he’d been so completely quiet, ignoring everyone. His sincerity helped convince me that it had only been a passing thought, not to mention the second vision, which had shown him in much the same manner he has been lately, staring vacantly at the wall in his bedroom. Still, I would keep an eye on him; I didn’t want this as his future either, but when compared with the other two options, it would have to do for now. He needed time to heal.

EPOV

Charlie was downstairs, speaking to Jasper. I heard his arrival, but I couldn’t face him. He’d brought copies of the photos displayed at Bella’s funeral for me to keep. After I was sure he was gone, I got up to retrieve them.

As I reached the top of the stairs, I froze. Jasper was still downstairs, and I could hear his thoughts clearly now, for the first time in days, aside than his usual self-loathing. He must have forgotten to continue to block me, thinking I wasn’t paying attention.

”I have to get rid of these before Edward sees them…”

The audacity! That did it; losing all control, I flew down the stairs and ran into him full-force. He was thrown across the room, the pictures of Bella falling to the floor.

”What the hell, Edward? What are you doing?” Jasper exclaimed, surprised.

”Shut up – don’t even speak to me!” I roared in response.

I attacked again, forcing Jasper to defend himself. We made quick work of the living room; as furniture was thrown around, Esme’s collectibles were smashed. Thankfully, she wasn’t home – Rosalie and Esme were at Charlie’s house, helping Renee tie up loose ends. Suddenly, Emmett came flying in through the back door. He made a quick assessment of the situation, and instantly I felt myself up against the wall, restrained.

”Edward, get a grip, man. What’s going on here?” he questioned.

Jasper stood on the other side of the room, looking regretful next to Alice, who had appeared out of nowhere, having seen what was going to happen when I decided to lunge at Jasper.

Jasper spoke first. ”Just a misunderstanding, Emmett,” he murmured, clearly distraught.

”The hell it is,” I spat in reply.

Jasper let out sigh of exasperation, as I struggled against Emmett’s grip.

”What happened?” Emmett asked again, a bit more forceful this time.

”He was trying to get rid of pictures of Bella,” I seethed. ”He just wants me to forget her, pretend none of this ever happened…as if that were possible.”

Jasper sighed in frustration. His thoughts were pleading with me to calm down and listen, which was ridiculous.

”What pictures are you talking about?” Emmett asked, slightly confused.

”Charlie dropped off copies of the pictures Renee displayed at the funeral – I was only looking through them,” Jasper answered tensely.

”You were going to throw them away – I heard your thoughts! Those pictures are mine – you have no right!” I exclaimed harshly.

”No, Edward, I wasn’t going to throw them away. If you had listened more closely, then you would have realized that. I was going to set them aside, so that you would have them later…after you’re able to deal with this better,” Jasper explained. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. ”Edward, I was only thinking of you. I know what this has done to you, and I thought it would help if you didn’t have all of these constant reminders around in plain sight. This has been extremely difficult for me, as well – I see what I’ve done to your life. To all of your lives,” he added, glancing warily around the room.

”Difficult for you, is it? You don’t hear her voice in the wind, see her face everywhere you look. You don’t have the overwhelming pain that grips me every minute, of everyday. She was my world, and you took her from me. I have never asked for anything except that you use caution around her, and you couldn’t even manage that. You’ll never know my pain – you’ll never have to feel your heart break like mine did.” Even as I spoke these words, I began to regret them. I knew Jasper was in pain, but the mere thought of him hiding those beautiful pictures from me made me furious – I couldn’t help but lash out at him.

Jasper spoke, quietly. ”Maybe you don’t agree, but what I’m dealing with is just as bad, at least to me. Overwhelming guilt consumes me, knowing that I killed her. I do see her face every minute of every day, I hear her scream, and I feel her fear. I also have to see you, which hurts more than anything, Edward. My very own brother; in agonizing pain, all because of me. I know you’ll never forgive me for this, as I could never ask you to. Do you think it’s easy to live with the fact that I took away the only thing you’ve ever truly loved in your life? That I destroyed the one thing that finally allowed you to live, the one thing that finally set you free?”

He paused, glancing over at Alice, and his thoughts became darker. ”And what about Alice? My own wife – the one thing that I live for, the one thing that makes this whole existence tolerable. The woman I would do anything for, give anything to…and here I end up taking away the best friend that has gave her so much joy. It’s hell knowing that because of me, her husband, she’s suffering immeasurably. All I’ve ever wanted to do is make her happy, and all I’ve managed to do is cause her the greatest amount of pain she’s ever known. It’s too much to bear, although I deserve every bit of it.

”If I could change the past, I would. I’d give my own life to bring Bella back – so you would feel complete, Edward, so Alice would have joy, so Emmett would laugh again, so Carlisle wouldn’t feel disappointed in me, and so Esme wouldn’t feel like she lost another child to death, all over again. I have done nothing but feel the onslaught of emotions coming from all of you, ever since I ruined our lives by making that horrible mistake.” He glanced briefly over at Alice, then at Carlisle as well, who had arrived home from work half way through Jasper’s response. He had remained in the shadows of the room, quiet, taking in the scene unfolding before him. His thoughts revealed his deep concern, but he wasn’t surprised; he’d been cautiously waiting for Jasper and me to clash.

Jasper continued, almost whispering. ”Despite what many of you have said to placate me, you forget that although you can hide emotions with words, and expressions, you cannot hide the way you feel inside…especially not from me.” His expression darkened, as bitterness consumed him. ”I know what each and every one of you really feels toward me, whether you want to feel it or not. I know that when my beautiful wife holds me, and tells me that she’s not mad, that she still loves me, she’s actually wrought with anger and grief.” He glanced back down at Alice, who was shaking, desperately grasping his arm, trying to get him to look at her.

”Jasper, I do love you – all of this has just been so hard to accept! Please, please, please believe me when I tell you that you’re still everything to me, that I can’t live without you. I can’t help that I’m upset, but it’s not with you – it’s just the whole situation! I’m so sorry, Jasper. Please understand me…please know that you’ve always been everything to me, from the second I woke, and that you always will,” she pleaded desperately, standing on her toes, trying to reach up to her husband’s face. It was heartbreaking; she clearly wanted him to hold her, yet he remained unresponsive.

Jasper sighed heavily, smiling bitterly at his wife. ”Alice, I love you, perhaps more than you will ever understand. You deserve a happy life…you had one, until I shattered it. You’ve always worried about my ability to adapt to this lifestyle, and I did everything I could to make you proud of me, to prove I was worthy of you. I’ve failed you now, and in the worst way. I not only failed to keep my word, I stole one of the brightest lights in your life away. I cannot stand to feel the pain coming from you, knowing I caused it. I want you to be happy, Alice, you deserve it. All I am doing is getting in the way, making things worse.”

Suddenly, Alice’s eyes blurred, her expression glazing over. Emmett no longer held me against the wall…we were all standing still, mostly entranced by what Jasper had been saying. I glanced over to Carlisle, who was still silent, his thoughts grave. His expression was one of great remorse.

As the vision ceased, my sister lightly shook her head, then looked up at her husband, with one of the saddest expressions I’ve ever seen.

”No,” Alice whispered, her voice shaking with despair. ”No, Jasper, no.” She reached out, clinging to him.

I had seen the vision in her mind as she saw it, and I turned my gaze back to Jasper, confusion and shock registering in my expression. Alice’s mind was screaming at me, begging for my help.

”Edward, he’s going to leave! Do something! You can’t let him go!! Please!”

Jasper reached down, lifting Alice up in his arms, embracing her. ”Alice, it’s for the best. Know that wherever you are, I’ll always love you. I’m just not made for this lifestyle; you, however, are – you’re amazing, Alice.” Jasper leaned in, and softly placed a kiss on his wife’s forehead, then one on her lips as well, before lightly placing her back on the ground. She stood frozen, completely in shock.

I had to say something; I felt like this was mostly my fault. ”Jasper, stop. This isn’t necessary…we will work this out. Don’t go.”

Jasper held up his hand, signaling me to stop. ”I’ll leave one way or another, Edward. Sure, you and Emmett can restrain me, if you choose; however, I will find a way to go at some point. I can continue to block you from my thoughts for as long as it takes.” He glanced back at Alice. ”I hadn’t really decided until now…until this conversation, but this has been coming ever since the – accident. Don’t make it harder on Alice by prolonging the inevitable, Edward.” He met my gaze wearily.. He was telling the truth.

Jasper turned, moving towards the door.. We all stood frozen – it was as if none of us believed this was actually happening.

”Son, wait!” Carlisle exclaimed, desperate.

Looking over at Carlisle, Jasper merely uttered one word. ”Don’t,” he said, abruptly shaking his head.

With one last look at Alice, he turned back to the door, and a moment later, he was gone. It took about two seconds for Alice to collapse onto the floor, completely overcome with despair.

Desperation – Chapter 5

JPOV

After leaving the house, I had started to head south. Blocking my thoughts from Edward had been important; I hadn’t really made up my mind of course, otherwise Alice would have seen it clearly, and that would have only drawn out her pain. Anyway, if I hadn’t been careful, Edward probably would have caught on, and if for nothing other than Alice, he would have tried to stop me. Thankfully, he hadn’t been too concerned with my state of mind lately anyway.

Things weren’t going quite as I’d planned…honestly, I had expected to feel relief, at least to some extent, for lessening the burden on my family, and from escaping the onslaught of their emotions – I was sure, after I’d left, that they would at least be able to release their true feelings toward me. I had no way of knowing what they were presently feeling, but I knew that I was definitely not feeling relief. My original plan had been to try and find some old friends, Peter and Charlotte. Not sure where to start, I figured it would be best if I returned to where I had last seen Peter, and try to stir up any information that I could. I wasn’t even half way there.

Thoughts of Alice had begun to consume me, as soon as I’d walked out of our home. It was like something was picking at my brain…like something was crawling over my skin, but no matter what I did, it wouldn’t go away. The further I went, the more intense it became – it was unsettling.

Surely Alice would have a with a better life without me, after what I’d done. Our connection had always been intense, and never questioned…until I ripped her life apart. As I trudged along the streets, I hung my head, regressing. What had happened that day? I was familiar enough with Bella’s scent… I should have fed more; no – I shouldn’t have been there at all. As much as everyone had encouraged me, I should have known. Granted, I would never have guessed that she’d end up cutting herself, but nonetheless, I should have prevented myself from even being in that situation.

Sloshing through the rain, Alice’s being continued to call to me. I pushed past it, trying to ignore it. I didn’t deserve her, not after what I had done. This city was strange to me, but I knew the routine…business men during the day, corrupt drunks out at night. As much as I remembered my own past, I’d learned a thing or two from Edward…if I was going to give into my primal instincts, then the least I could do was find a good candidate. My thirst was overwhelming; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d fed…I blocked out any guilt I felt about what I was about to do – what did it matter anymore? I was a monster, my entire family knew as much, so I might as well accept my fate, especially after losing the one thing that had made me change in the first place.

There was a bar across the street. There was limited parking, which instead of seeing as inconvenience, I saw as an opportunity. Hiding in the shadows, I waited. Eventually, a man appeared through the tavern doors, stepping out onto the street. Granted, I didn’t have Edward’s ability to hear this man’s thoughts, but I could still recognize his feelings. He was dripping with sickness…the kind of sickness that was most disturbing. He was yearning…yearning to find a victim. He hesitated in the alley, looking about. The idea that such people continued to exist, when others were prematurely extinguished from this life, gripped me – especially knowing I had recently added to this, in the worst way possible.

Enough. I’d left all of that behind. The man in the alley attracted my attention again. He appeared to be waiting for someone – his feelings of frustration were increasing. Suddenly, a young woman exited the tavern. As she walked, she began texting on her cell – she was too distracted. She turned towards the alley, most likely to where her car was. As she continued to type into her phone, the man slowly moved towards her, unnoticed – at least by her, anyway. I had already moved across the street, and unbeknownst to him, I was now following his every step, hidden in the shadows. Stopping just inside the alley, I crept into one of the abandoned doorways of an old building, staying out of sight.

He quickly stepped directly into the girl’s line of vision, trying to appear natural. She jumped, clearly taken by surprise. ”Hey there, honey…” he drifted off, staring intently at her.

”Oh! Hey…yeah, I remember you from the bar, right?” Nervousness was pouring off of her. She was making an effort to come across as calm, unthreatened, but in reality she felt quite the opposite; as she spoke to this man, her adrenaline kicked into high gear – she was obviously knew to be afraid of him.

”Where are you going?” the man questioned, slightly aggressive, moving towards her.

The girl paused, lowering her phone. ”I’m going home,” she responded, backing up, to what I could only assume was her car. As she neared the sedan, her heel caught on a crack in the asphalt, causing her to stop.

”Hey, what’s the hurry? I can take care of you sweetheart, don’t you worry…” he trailed off, advancing.

The girl was trying to move away from him, but her heel was still caught in the crack in the pavement, trapping her.

I watched as he moved in closer – he was within touching distance of her now. She was utterly desperate, completely panicked. Stepping out of the shadows, I moved stealthily towards them. The collar of my jacket was curled up around my neck, the front pieces of my hair hanging slightly across my eyes out of habit, trying to stay concealed – it was dusk, and although I knew no one would notice me, old habits die hard…

She reached toward the ground, trying to pry her shoe loose. He took the opportunity to push her over; when she hit the ground, he leaned over her, grasping onto both of her arms so she couldn’t move. Men like this shouldn’t be allowed to live.
I continued to approach them quietly. She saw me coming, as I was in her line of sight. What was interesting, was that she never let on that she saw me – her emotions stayed the same – fearful…perhaps she realized I was nothing more than a monster as well. My eyes locked briefly with hers, trying to reassure her, to calm her – she would walk away from this.

The man glanced up at me, immediately backing off from her, at least slightly. His feelings were intense – I could only slightly pick out the traces of dismissal – he wanted to ignore me, hoping I would merely pass by. I smiled.

”Excuse me, miss…are you alright?” I questioned, which irritated him. I reached down, effortlessly freeing her shoe. She stared back at me for a moment before shakily accepting my hand, letting me gently pull her to her feet.

”Actually, no. I need to go – um, yeah. I have to go,” she uttered, shrugging away from the leech that withheld her…it reminded me oddly of something Bella would say. Before turning to flee to her car, she glanced back at me briefly. “Thanks,” she whispered. I smiled, and then she was gone.

I turned my attention back to the man standing next to me, who was now fuming.

”Funny how things work out this way, isn’t it?” I was playing with him, but I couldn’t help myself.

He hesitated, trying to comprehend what had just happened. He didn’t appear to be drunk, which only further infuriated me…how someone could so willingly look to victimize innocent women – it was disgusting.

”What’s up, man? What’s your problem?” he questioned me angrily.

My eyes narrowed as I shrugged my shoulders, not caring to give him an adequate response.

Rushing forward, I latching onto his throat, shock and fear pulsing through him as he passed. Once he was gone, I leaned back against the alley wall, trying to regain sanity. What was odd, was that I didn’t feel any relief from taking this man’s life…my thirst was quenched, true, but there was something else…it was the same feeling from before – I was still unsettled, I couldn’t calm myself. That was something I would just have to deal with.

Shortly after that, I began to hunt animals again. That last experience…something had resurfaced. I was clearly reminded of my past, when it was the absorption of feelings, from humans, that had disturbed me so…it was too much. At first, when I had left home, I thought I would just let everything go…give into my natural instincts. Now I knew better…it wasn’t possible. True, that man had been detestable, but it had also reminded me far too much of what I’d once done to innocent people, especially Bella.

After that night, things continued to get worse. I had originally been hoping to reunite with my old friends, but in truth, I rarely thought of them now. Alice plagued me – the further I was from her, the worse it got. The pull I felt was almost magnetic; I continually fought against this force I felt, trying to pull me back. Her beautiful face was in my mind, every second of every day, pleading for me to come home. I really had nothing without her. No matter where I went, no matter what I did, all I could think of was Alice.

Memories came flooding back to me – of when we first met, our travels, finding the Cullens, our wedding. That memory hurt the most. Standing with her, pledging to spend eternity with me, broke my heart all over again. I’ll never forget how beautiful she was that day. It was that memory of her, standing there before me with nothing but love, looking up at me with those beautiful eyes, that made me realize this had been a horrible mistake.

But would Carlisle and Esme allow me back? I left my family in shambles when I walked out the door. It would have been proper of me to at least say goodbye to Esme; I owed that to them, but I knew Esme wouldn’t have let me leave. She would have forced herself between the door and me, refusing to budge an inch, trying to work out for me to stay, which would not have happened. However, she was the strength of our family, and I knew I had hurt her immensely when I left without saying goodbye.

Carlisle had wanted me to stay, and I knew he would have tried to find a way to make all of this work as well, but when I had walked out the door, I felt his anger, frustration, and his hurt. And Emmett…how could I leave him to deal with Edward by himself? He was hurting too; he relied on me when Edward got out of control. Rosalie was surely angry with me for leaving Alice. She hadn’t been home when I’d left, but I can only imagine the amount of fury she’d felt upon returning home to see what had happened. It was a mess, and instead of making it better by leaving, I was afraid that perhaps I’d only made things worse…hurt those I loved even more.

Edward was right about something. The need to be with your soul mate was overwhelming. Having never really been away from Alice in this particular way – with her thinking I would never come back – was excruciating. I saw her face in the crowd, I heard her voice in my ear. It was too much to bear. I now understood, I hoped, what Edward was feeling, although his pain must be so much worse – he didn’t have the option of simply changing his mind, allowing him to be reunited with his love. However, unlike Edward, I could wrap my arms around my love, and kiss her lips. I still had that chance, as long as I decided to take it. I don’t think I could live with the knowledge that I couldn’t do that ever again. Quite honestly, I don’t know how he’s survived this long.

As soon as I accepted the urgency to return to Alice, the trip progressed quite quickly. When I had been traveling away from her, I had felt smothered; every move was difficult. Now that I had turned around, and was heading back to her, it was as if I were moving in fast forward motion.

The plane ride was fairly easy. As a precaution, I selected a fairly empty flight; just the thought of sitting in a crowded, compact plane, with humans on either side of me made me nervous. There were only a handful of people onboard, which allowed me to keep my distance from them, and sit by myself near the back of the plane.

I found my way to the train station and bought a ticket to Port Angeles, which I also was fortunate enough to seclude myself in a compartment away from others. By now, I was sure Alice had seen me coming. My heart was racing as I stepped off the train, and hailed a cab. Not too much longer now. Once inside Forks, my nerves began to build, so I had the driver stop at the local florist, where I selected the most exquisite bouquet of wild flowers, something she rarely admitted she liked. Perhaps I was stalling, but regardless, she had said there was something about their simplicity she loved, which still amazed me – Alice wasn’t exactly known for her simplicity.

The driver let me off at the end of my family’s long driveway, at my request. I needed to gather my thoughts, and the three mile walk up the driveway would allow just that. My nerves were increasing, my fears resurfacing. I’d felt such an urgency to return, but what if I wasn’t welcome anymore? Very slowly, I continued toward the house. Finally, as I found myself looking upon my home, I paused. Wondering if I could really proceed, the front door slowly creaked open before I could finish my thoughts.

There she stood, my beautiful wife. Alice crept into the shadows of the porch, where she stopped, staring at me with warily. My heart broke as I felt her emotions…such sadness, such despair, even sympathy – she’d seen what I’d gone through while I was gone, I was sure. One thing was different from before, though – there was no sense of anger, just horrible, horrible loss. Cautiously, I began to move towards her. She remained still, as if frozen in place. Maybe I had been wrong; maybe this was a horrible mistake.

”Alice? Alice, do you want me to leave?” I called out softly.

That seemed to stir her. At the sound of my voice, she shook her head, as if trying to clear it. She didn’t answer aloud, and before I had a chance to move any further, a tiny blur of motion hit me with the force of a hurricane, nearly toppling me over. She flew into my arms, desperately embracing me, clutching onto every bit of me she could.

”Jasper…Whitlock…Hale,” she said in between her kisses. ”You will never leave me again.”

Returning her kisses fiercely, I knew that she was right.

Desperation – Chapter 6

EPOV

Jasper had finally returned home, after two long weeks away. During that time, it was more of the same for me – endless days of desperation. A few days ago, Charlie had called Esme and asked her to help him clean out Bella’s room. He felt like it was time, but that he didn’t feel comfortable doing it himself, and Renee had already returned to Florida. Esme boxed up her clothes and planned to drop them off at a shelter. She brought her books, CD’s, and DVD’s home for Alice and I to sort through; whatever we didn’t want would go to the shelter as well. We kept everything, and before Esme could leave with Bella’s clothes, I managed to retrieve her blue blouse – the one she wore the first time she met my family – the one that I had loved her in so much. It still carried her scent; I spent hours just sitting in my room, intoxicating myself with her memory.

Renee had sent more pictures, as well. There was one that stood out from the others – it was from Renee and Phil’s wedding. In it, Bella was standing in a garden, wearing a lovely, knee-length dark green satin slip dress. The sun was shining down on her and she was smiling – she looked blissfully happy. Every picture I had of her was now either in a frame resting upon my dresser, or hanging on my wall. My room had become a shrine to the woman I loved.

Jasper’s return had somewhat calmed the house. Obviously, it impacted Alice the most. She’d loved Bella, but it couldn’t compare to the loss she’d suffered when Jasper had left. Now, she was beginning to show signs of her old self, which meant she went on her first shopping trip since the accident. She didn’t buy much, and didn’t stay away long, but it was good for her. She said it had been somewhat enjoyable, but her thoughts revealed to me that she had seen a few outfits that she would have bought for Bella. Anyone that knew Alice would never expect her to describe shopping of any kind as ‘somewhat enjoyable,’ but at least she was making progress, however small it was. It was Jasper leaving that opened her eyes to not what she had lost, but what she could still lose. I was happy for her – if she could find peace in this somehow, I wanted that for her. She deserved it, and she still had eternity to spend with Jasper.

Jasper never leaves her side now, unless he’s hanging out with Emmett, who has also shown improvement upon Jasper’s return. Their thoughts were becoming more optimistic, focusing on moving past this tragedy. I envied them; something so seemingly normal, like playing video games, or wrestling, seemed so utterly unnatural to me these days. Those carefree moments they shared were now something unfathomable to me. Nonetheless, I was happy for them as well, as I had begun to understand that my family would, and should, move on…it wasn’t their other half they had lost. Bella had been dear to them, but not like she had been to me – I accepted that now.

They worried about me, but for the most part, they let me be, as I still kept to myself, continuing to shut them out. Alice still made trips to my room, where she would hold my hand and sit in silence with me, looking over all of Bella’s beautiful photographs. She was getting visions of nothing changing with my mental state, which made her comfortable and uneasy at the same time, but she was being patient, not wanting to push me away even further. She had also accepted that her previous vision of one of us leaving had obviously been Jasper, and not actually me after all, so her level of concern for that particular matter was less prevalent in her thoughts, which allowed her to relax a bit more, now that he had returned. She was more distracted, too – although she was thrilled Jasper was home, she scanned his future every few hours, still worried about how he was adjusting.

Carlisle and Esme had started to go back to their old ways as well. Carlisle spent his time at the hospital, while Esme kept the house up, tended to her garden, and dabbled in her painting. Their thoughts revealed their concern for me, especially Esme’s, as well as their sympathy – they still missed Bella, but they had each other, as well as us, their children. They just didn’t know how to help me. It was only me now that was truly unable to move on.

One afternoon, like most others, I was sitting on my floor, with my head resting on my knees. As usual, I was concentrating on nothing other than Bella’s photos, keeping my thoughts limited, refusing to let my mind wander. My Metallica CD was blaring, for the fifth time that day, when I heard the thoughts, combined with footsteps, coming towards my room. Just as I expected, there was a knock on the door, and my mother paused in the doorframe.

”Edward?” Esme said softly, as she entered my room.

”Yes?” I replied quietly, as I turned down my music.

”I was wondering if you would do something for me?” she inquired hesitantly.

I sighed, knowing what she wanted. ”I’m not leaving the house, Esme.”

”Edward,” she stood in front of me full of concern, her fingers rubbing her temple, for no other reason other than stress. ”You haven’t left this house – this room – since the funeral.”

”There’s no reason to,” I replied bluntly.

Esme took a deep breath. ”Edward, it’s necessary. Perhaps it will help you – sitting here all alone isn’t going to help you heal at all. Please, for me. It won’t take long, it’s only an errand – I need you to run to Mora to the local art store to pick up my special order. If it’s that horrible, then when you return you can go back to sitting up here for as long as you like, and I won’t bother you. I’m hoping you’ll feel differently – perhaps you will even decide to hunt before you go. It’s been a while, and I think it would be a good idea. Your eyes are pitch black, Edward,” she added softly.

“This isolation is scaring me, Edward. Please, I only want what’s best for you…even if that means forcing you out of the house,” Esme thought to me, her expression full of concern. She was the epitome of kindness, expressing what she thought might be embarrassing to me in silent communication, instead of speaking it aloud – with our hearing, surely half the house would overhear us. She was so troubled, it made me feel even worse, knowing what I had been putting her through. Such pain, such worry…I would do this one thing for her, only because she did not deserve to go through this, and I had the ability to ease her distress, even if it was only momentarily.

After stepping into the woods behind the house briefly, and mindlessly killing the first animal I came upon, I found myself in my Volvo, with Esme’s list in my pocket. It was easier just to go along with her, rather than fight her. Since I had agreed to go, she decided to have me pick up a few other things as well – she was trying to prolong my venture in the outside world for as long as she could, before I resumed my isolation.

The art store was easy to find, located just one block from the town square. It was just prior to Halloween, so the entire store was full of decorations and costumes. It had been one of Bella’s favorite holidays. I walked directly up to one of the counters at the front of the store. The faster I got Esme’s list completed, the faster I could return to my solitude.

”Can I help you?” a young girl asked from behind the counter.

”Yes, I’m here to pick up a special order,” my monotone voice replied.

”What name is it listed under?” she pressed on.

”Esme Cullen,” I replied, sighing.

”Sure. Let me get it from the back.” The clerk hurried off to collect Esme’s items.

After a few moments passed, she returned. ”I’m sorry, it will be just a few minutes more – it’s a fairly large order. One of the other clerks is bagging everything up. If you would like to go ahead and pay while you wait, I can help you with that,” she offered politely.

”Certainly, thank you,” I said, passing her my credit card. She finished the transaction, and told me I could wait in one of the chairs off to the side. A few minutes later, another clerk brought the contents of Esme’s order up front, which I loaded into the car, eager to finish this charade and return home.

After I reached Forks again, I made my way to the dry cleaners to pick up some of Carlisle’s suits. As I drove through the quiet town, every landmark practically jumped out at me, reminding me of another memory of Bella. The streets we’d driven through, the school we’d attended, the police station her father worked at, the grocery store she’d loved to shop at, the woods we’d walked through. The entire town was mocking me, taunting me.

It was more the reminder that I would never set sights of my Bella again…that we’d never share any of these things again. It would no longer be ‘us’ or ‘we’ – it would be me, alone, forever. Of course I’d realized this for some time, but this experience was affecting me differently somehow…being outside of the house and actually seeing these memories come to life, only to disappear into nothingness – it was one last slap in the face that I simply couldn’t handle.

A new sense of urgency was surrounding me; the dull throbbing in the back of my psyche had doubled in pace. What had once been something of an itch I couldn’t scratch had suddenly become a rapidly spreading rash which demanded attention. While still controlling my thoughts of the future, I couldn’t manage to deny that something had to change – I just wouldn’t allow myself to focus on what that change would be, or make any definite decisions…not yet. I forced myself to hurry through the rest of the errands so that I could escape this new hell.

When I reached our house, I made sure everything was where Esme wanted it, then retreated back to my room. The anxiety I felt in town melted away when my eyes set upon Bella’s beautiful image. I found my favorite picture of her, and traced the outline of her face with my finger and looked into her eyes. When agreeing to Esme’s request earlier, I hadn’t prepared myself for the onslaught of memories the outside world would bring…it made me mourn for Bella all the more. It hadn’t seemed possible that the depth of my despair could deepen…I had already hit the bottom, or so I thought. I never wanted to leave this room again, but Esme wouldn’t let that happen. She would continue to find some new way to try to coax my out of my room, and back into the world. Of course she meant well, but it didn’t make it any easier. I was tired of hurting her, as well as Carlisle.

It wasn’t long before I heard Alice approaching my door, her thoughts hesitant, perplexed.

”Come in,” I sighed.

She entered quickly, and sat down next to me. Something was wrong, but she was blocking her thoughts from me.

“Are you all right? I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you left to run the errands. I saw what happened. I couldn’t reach you in time to warn you – you didn’t have your cell on. I’m sorry,” she finished, looking ashamed.

“I’m fine, Alice,” I replied monotonously, sighing. There was a moment of silence, with Alice still blocking her thoughts from me. I thought to ask her why, but then I realized it didn’t matter anyway – I didn’t care. She could certainly have all the privacy she wanted; I wished for more privacy on an hourly basis.

”Edward,” she eventually began, ”Jasper and I are leaving for a little while.”

”Oh… Why?” I asked, curious.

”It’s just…” she trailed off, struggling to block her thoughts still. She was beginning to slip; she couldn’t effectively recite the Battle Hymn of the Republic in Arabic while carrying on a full conversation, instead of just one word responses. It was too difficult to keep me completely out.

”You can say it, Alice,” I murmured truthfully – she hadn’t managed to block everything, and I basically knew their reasons. I didn’t blame them at all – they had their own lives to carry on with.

”It’s so hard for the both of us to be here right now. I know how we’re affecting you…it’s hard for you to see us together, so complete. We don’t want to upset you further, and we both really need some time to ourselves,” she said quietly. “Jasper’s still feeling horribly guilty, and now that he’s back, I want him to be able to take a step away from that.” Her eyes met mine evenly. “You know I love you, Edward. I’m just so afraid of him feeling too overwhelmed, and losing him – I can’t go through that again,” she finished quietly. Her thoughts were so mixed – she felt horrible leaving me here, but she knew she had to concentrate on Jasper; she’d experienced the type of loss I feel, and she was unwilling to have it happen again.

”I understand, Alice. It’s not exactly pleasant to be around me… I apologize if I’ve made you feel you shouldn’t be happy, it was never my intention. You know I want the best for you,” I said, squeezing her tiny hand lightly. “Where will you be going?” I asked, trying to appear interested.

”To our house in New Zealand. Do you remember it?” Alice asked, beginning to smile slightly at the prospect. She was looking forward to this trip immensely.

”The one you two bought after you were married, on Stewart Island?” I questioned, already sure of the answer. Trying to feign interest was so tedious, but if nothing else, I wanted my little pixie of a sister to end up happy.

Actually, I remembered it well…Alice had taken the entire family there, shortly after they had purchased it. She wanted all of us to explore her new wonderland. It really had been an amazing place…the beaches were varied in sand color – from black iron on some beaches, to others white with quartz, or red with garnet. Most beaches were gold, sparkling in the sun; it was quite a sight to see us on this particular type of sand, as we sparkled in the sun just as much. There were lush forests, some even extending all the way to the shore line. Their particular house was located right in the middle of the forest, built to suit. It was incredibly isolated, as were most places on that island – a perfect retreat for our kind. Alice had loved that she could spend time on the shores, not worrying about being seen. Even Jasper had felt free there – it was no wonder they were choosing such a place to return to now, at a time like this.

”Yes. We won’t be gone for a long time, though,” she answered softly, clearly concerned about leaving me.

”That should be lovely,” I said truthfully. She adored that place, and they would have a wonderful time alone together.

She hesitated again. ”Will you be all right?” Her thoughts were laced with anxiety. “Edward… I haven’t really been able to see anything about your future other than you sitting in this room, either curled up in a ball, or staring at the photos. Then, while you were out, that image started to become mixed with blank spots…periods of nothing.” Her brow furrowed, as she tried to reason with her thoughts. “I don’t understand, and I’m hesitant to leave you, even if it’s only for a little while,” she finished, her expression full of concern.

”Well, then you don’t have anything to worry about, do you? Alice, while I was driving around, I was upset, and I immediately thought to myself that I didn’t want to leave the house anymore – that I would do nothing, forever, because I was so severely reminded of her in the outside world. It was as if the hole I’ve been feeling in my chest was ripped wide open, shocking my system. The blank spots in your vision were probably just a reflection of my fleeting thoughts, Alice – my irrational, emotional decisions. This area is encased in memories of Bella – you know that. Don’t worry about me, Alice. Things will be just the same when you return. Your relationship with your husband is far more important. I’m sure I will find something to occupy my time. You two go, relax. When do you leave?” I asked, trying to distract her.

”Tomorrow morning,” Alice said looking into my eyes. ”Edward, everyone’s going hunting tonight. You should really go with us – you need to feed more regularly. Please? As a last favor for me before we leave?”

Her last sentence convinced me, possibly out of guilt alone. I didn’t want to go, but if it would allow for her to leave for her trip on a more positive note, able to let go of some of her worry for me, then it was worth it. It would appease the rest of the family as well – they would feel more comfortable, so I agreed to go. It helped to ease her mind; she thought it was a good sign that I was making an effort.

The next morning, everyone gathered to say goodbye to Alice and Jasper. Trying to appear as normal as possible, I even left the confines of my room to join them. Combined with the previous night’s hunting excursion, they were all feeling a bit more hopeful for me, their thoughts more positive.

Knowing how Alice’s visions worked, the last twenty-four hours had been incredibly stressful for me, as I knew the next week would be as well. There was something in the back of my mind, an increased restlessness, but I refused to acknowledge it; I couldn’t just yet, I had to remain focused. Listening to music, repeating lyrics over and over again, seemed to help…mostly, I simply ignored myself, if that makes any sense, and thought over and over again how I would never leave this room, how I would sit on the floor and stare at the wall forever.

As everyone said their goodbyes and wishes for a wonderful vacation, Alice came to stand before me, her eyes filled with sadness.

”Edward, are you absolutely sure you’re going to be all right while we’re gone?” she asked quietly. She believed in her visions, but she was still feeling guilty for leaving me alone, and for being happy with Jasper.

”Alice, everything will work out. I’m already feeling better…just go and enjoy yourselves, and know that I love you.” I pulled her to me in a tight embrace, trying to convey my feelings for her. Upon releasing her, I stepped over to Jasper, reaching for his hand. He grasped it, and pulled me into a short hug.

”Take care, Edward. We’ll be back before you know it. Just call if you need anything – I know this is stressful for you,” he finished quietly. Jasper had picked up on the stress I was experiencing, trying to keep my mind detached from the connection to Alice’s visions – but he had no idea that was why.

After they left, I returned to my room for the rest of the day, surrounded by images of my angel. The next couple of days were spent the same way. I was waiting – waiting for Alice and Jasper to get far enough away. It could only help, as I knew once they arrived in their land of paradise, Alice would be somewhat distracted…she was so happy there. Picturing her bouncing around as she inspected their house, running from room to room making sure everything was in perfect condition, almost made me smile…almost, but not quite.

Finally, two days after they’d left, and I’d overheard their phone call to Esme announcing their arrival on Stewart Island, I made my way downstairs to find the rest of my family. They were in the living room, watching a movie. Of course, they were all quite surprised to see me out of my room.

”Edward…would you care to join us?” Esme asked hesitantly, confused, but optimistic. I cringed internally as I realized how much I’d just raised her hopes…her thoughts were so wistful.

Pausing, I glanced around at the four of them. ”I’ve been thinking…ever since Esme encouraged me to get out of the house the other day, I’ve realized that perhaps she was right…maybe that would help. However, everywhere around here does nothing but remind me of Bella.” Taking a deep breath, I forced back the waves of despair. It’s a good thing Jasper wasn’t here. ”The idea of Alice and Jasper’s trip has encouraged me as well… I believe it may be in my best interest to do some traveling. Perhaps a change in scenery is just what I need,” I finished, trying to force a half-smile.

No one said anything at first. They all studied me, trying to assess this new thought of mine. Some were more wary than others, but I could tell they wanted to believe me – they’d been waiting for so long for a change in my behavior. After a few moments, it was Esme who spoke first.

”Edward, are you sure about this? I want nothing more than for you to be happy, but the last time I sent you on those errands it did not seem to go very well…you went right back to shutting yourself away in your room…” she trailed off.
”Yes, Esme, I do think this is best, for everyone. As I said before, when I left the house the other day, I was reminded of my life with Bella. This is why I believe I have to do this…I have to get away, see new parts of the world that aren’t related to her. Trust me…it’s necessary,” I said as earnestly as I could.

Carlisle spoke next, hesitantly. ”Where do you plan on going, Edward? And when were you thinking of leaving?” He wanted details – he was still being cautious.

”I haven’t completely decided on where yet…here and there. I plan on deciding as I go,” I answered. ”Maybe France, England, Spain…maybe not – it could be anywhere, really. We’ll see. As far as when…I thought I’d make my way to the airport in the morning, and see what sounds appealing,” I finished, trying to force another convincing smile.

After some time, and more questions, they all agreed that if I felt it was necessary, they would support my decision. Some of their thoughts were doubting, especially Esme’s – she wanted to keep me close, so she could keep an eye on me. They were remembering my recent willingness to hunt though, as well as my proper effort to see Alice and Jasper off, which was leading them to believe I might be ready for change after all. They wanted to believe it, which made it easier. Carlisle was even thinking to himself that after I’d found a place I was happy with, they could all relocate and join me, so that we would be together as a family again.

Emmett grumbled a bit about it, but Rosalie hissed at him to be quiet. She was eager for me to move on, to let Bella go; she thought maybe this was the way for me to start that process. Persistence paid off eventually – somehow, I managed to convince them this was the way to solve my problems, which in reality, wasn’t a lie.

Before returning upstairs with the excuse of collecting the items I would be taking with me, Carlisle stopped me to inform me that I could have full use of the family’s private jet for the extent of my travels. He would make the call tonight, and the plane would be waiting for me at the airport tomorrow morning. The pilot would be waiting for my itinerary with the understanding that I was to have full reign – I could go wherever I chose. He made sure I remembered the location of the area where the private jets were held before letting me retreat to my room.

Only fifteen minutes after I’d finalized my decision, I heard a phone ring in the house. The phone could only belong to one of two people, seeing as how I had discreetly turned off Carlisle’s and Esme’s while they had been working earlier. So which would it be – Emmett or Rosalie? I could only hope it was the latter of the two, although I was betting that either one would dismiss Alice’s concerns as being overprotective. I wouldn’t have been so lucky if one of my parents had received the call. Thankfully, they had stepped out for a walk, wanting to discuss my decision in private.

Luck appeared to be on my side – it was Rosalie’s phone, and Emmett was playing a video game again, completely distracted.

I listened intently to the conversation occurring, as well as Rosalie’s thoughts on what Alice had to say. Alice was worried – she’d seen my decision to go traveling, and without any real concrete decision on where I was going, she instantly became suspicious. She was yelling at Rose, trying to get her to see that something was off, especially since I’d been so unwilling to leave my room for such a time.

Rosalie did not disappoint me. Her thoughts were nothing short of irritable; she thought Alice was being ridiculous. She explained that it was their trip that made me realize I needed a fresh outlook, and that this would help everything. Alice was angry with her, but after hearing the entire conversation that Rosalie recited for her, and after admitting she couldn’t actually see anything happening to me, she begrudgingly agreed that she would let it go – for tonight. She admitted that she knew I’d been frustrated at being surrounded by memories of my life with Bella in this town. She had wanted to speak to me, but Rosalie refused, saying that she wasn’t going to let her ruin my ‘epiphany’ with her paranoid questions.

Muttering something I couldn’t catch, Alice hung up, adding that she would be watching my future closely.

The next morning, much as with Alice and Jasper, the remaining family members gathered to say goodbye. Esme took longer than the others, hesitant to let me go. She asked me to promise to stay in touch, and promise to come back soon. I said I’d call as often as I could.

”Please take care, Edward. We’ll be thinking of you often,” Carlisle said earnestly, hugging me close. “If you need anything, no matter what it is, you know to call me, all right? Are you absolutely sure about this?” he added silently. I nodded once in response.

”Thank you. I appreciate all you’ve done to help me. You’ve been very supportive through everything,” I said quietly, lowering my gaze to the floor. Carlisle embraced me once more, patting me on the back.

“Of course. I’m very proud of you, Edward. Bella would be too; I know this isn’t easy,” Carlisle continued his thoughts to me.

Emmett slapped me on the shoulder, embracing me briefly. ”Hey, man…just take your time. We’ll be here when you’re ready to come home,” he said sincerely. Silently he added, “I’m here if you need anything, Edward. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help, got it?”

Again, I nodded in response. Once again, I thought how kind of them it was to try not to embarrass me by speaking such things aloud.

Nodding back, Emmett reached his fist out to me. “Whatever it takes to feel better, you know?” he asked, trying to lighten the mood.

”Exactly,” I responded quietly, meeting his fist with mine.

I briefly said goodbye to Rosalie as well, only meeting her gaze for a moment. She wasn’t suspicious…she thought Alice had been overreacting, just as she thought everyone was lately. She thought the sooner I got away to clear my head, the sooner I’d come back, and things could get back to ‘normal.’ I smiled at her as I prepared to leave.

As I started my car, I took one last look at the rest of my family, before turning my car around and speeding down the driveway. Borrowing a trick from Alice, I raised the volume on a complicated piece of music and thought nothing to myself other than “Madrid, London, Paris, Brussels, Frankfort, Budapest,” over and over again. Distracting myself was absolutely pertinent…it had to work, it was my only chance to find the peace which I so desperately sought.

Desperation – Chapter 7

EPOV

I continued my silent, mindless chant all the way to the airport, and all the way to the proper area where the private jets were, where I saw the pilot waiting outside the hangar. His mind revealed that he was indeed waiting for me, and wondering where our destination would be. Fortunately, we had the connections that would allow our itinerary to be approved almost immediately. As I approached him, I reached up and swiftly pulled the pulsing earbuds from my ears I had utilized upon exiting my car, repeating mentally one last time, “Madrid, London, Paris, Brussels, Frankfort, Budapest.” This was it – I could no longer hide from Alice. Actually, I was relieved – it was extremely difficult convincing yourself that you weren’t sure where you were going, not to mention keeping your mind continually distracted, in order to keep Alice from seeing.

“Hello, I’m Edward Cullen,” I offered my hand in greeting.

“Yes, hello, Mr. Cullen, I’ve been expecting you. I assume you’d like for me to get things underway…have you chosen your destination yet? The last I heard, you were undecided,” he finished, waiting patiently.

“I will be traveling to Volterra, Italy. I assume you can make the arrangements quickly?” I questioned. As the words left my mouth, I reached discreetly in my jacket and turned off my cell completely. It had already been on ‘silent’ since I’d made my announcement the night before.

“Certainly…there’s a private airfield I’m familiar with in that area – I’ll be able to get you fairly close, and I will arrange for a private car to take you to your exact location. I’ll get things underway, and we should be ready for departure within minutes. If you’d like, you may go ahead and wait on the plane. Please, make yourself comfortable,” he left off, as he hurried to get our schedule approved. Money definitely had it’s advantages at times, as this man was eager to please.

My flight to Italy was long, only because I was anxious; I knew what I was trying to do. I couldn’t go on this way anymore, and this was the only real solution left for me. I’d always known I’d never make it without Bella. There were no other options – my family would never have helped. I would go before the Volturi and ask them to destroy me. Once I arrived, I would have to move swiftly – surely, Alice was already in action.

The Volturi is an old vampire coven, which resigns in the city of Volterra. Aro, Caius and Marcus are the leaders – royalty, really. Carlisle had told me of them, and of what they did; how much power they hold to our kind. He had stayed with them for a while, a few centuries back, and had developed a civil relationship. The one thing they pride themselves on is being anonymous. They are the police of the vampire world – the minute they feel their secret is exposed, they move in, and act swiftly to eliminate the threat.

There were a number of things I could do to expose their world once I was in Volterra. Perhaps find an unlucky soul and kill him publicly; maybe find a delivery truck of sorts and lift it over my head. Whatever I decided to do, they’d be watching, especially after I’d informed them of my intentions – they would have to destroy me. The sooner, the better.

Prior to my leaving, I had written letters to my family, saying goodbye and explaining my reasoning. They were all immensely difficult to write, but the letter to Carlisle and Esme had been especially upsetting – they’d done so much for me, to ensure I had a wonderful life. The part that I had written to Alice had been unbearable as well; I knew this would be something she may never accept.

Bella was my one and only – my everything. To think, I’d existed as long as I had, not knowing I was incomplete before she came along. Having finally been able to think my decision clearly, I almost felt relief. One way or another, it would all be over soon, and for that I was thankful. All that stood between myself and my destiny was a plane ride to Italy.

When I arrived in Volterra, the city was celebrating St. Marcus Day. This was perfect, since I knew the Volturi empire would be fixated on keeping the realm of normalcy, while enjoying their sarcastic version of this holiday. It seemed the entire city’s population was out; I kept my head low, as I pushed through the crowd, toward the building facade I was seeking.

After passing through the square, I reached my destination. Glancing upward, I took in the building that stood before me. So deceiving…it gave none of its secrets away by sight. The guards on either side of the doors eyed me warily, but something about my demeanor must have convinced them that I was not here to fight. They actually thought I looked…pathetic. I’m sure they were right. They looked away as I passed through the glass doors, making my way to the receptionist’s desk.

The woman behind the desk wore a name tag…Gianna. What was appalling about her was that she was human; her thoughts revealed to me that she knew exactly who she was working for, and that she hoped to become one of them some day. She knew the threat, yet dismissed it, hoping they would find her useful enough to keep. It took all of my self restraint to not tell this woman how moronic she was. It was more than likely that she would end up as nothing more than an item on the brunch menu.

”How may I be of assistance to you?” Gianna questioned, somewhat dismissively.

”Respectfully, I am here to request to speak with Aro. My name is Edward Cullen; you may want to mention I’m from his friend Carlisle Cullen’s family. I must note that I will not leave here until he agrees to meet with me,” I replied bluntly, glancing at the clock. There really was no time to mince words…I was in a hurry.

She hesitated, surprised at my direct request. She thought I was out of line, which made her think of me as arrogant. Her mind played over all the things she knew her employers could do to me if I was actually rude to them…if she only realized why I was really here.

”Have a seat in our waiting area, Mr. Cullen. One moment, please,” she replied briskly, as she picked up a phone, punching in an extension.

As I moved over to one of the chairs, I followed her conversation and thoughts. She was insistent, saying that she was quite sure that I would not leave without my request being met, although I didn’t appear to be violent…just impatient. The other party was…irritated, and uninterested. She continued to press though, and finally, she hung up the phone, content that she had gotten her point across.

”Someone will be with you momentarily, Mr. Cullen,” Gianna said. With one last glance at me, I heard her think, “It’s a shame he’s so moody; he’s quite handsome,” before she turned her mind back to her work. I suppressed the desire to roll my eyes.

As I waited, I tried not to pay attention to various thoughts that were drifting around this part of the building, most likely from the occupants within the closest offices. Almost all of them were focusing on the approaching meal they would be having later that evening. Minutes later, I heard someone approaching from a corridor off to the right, her thoughts resentful. A door off to the side opened, a small child-like figure stepping from behind it.

”Edward Cullen? Please follow me,” the girl requested in a flat tone. She too, thought I looked rather pathetic, and was irritated she’d been interrupted to come escort me. She toyed with the idea of using her gift on me, which was basically the ability to torture – apparently, it felt as if you were burning alive. It made me realize what kind of person she truly was; someone who would inflict that upon someone else, purely because they were bored and irritated, made her even more of a monster than me.

After making our way through several hallways and doors, she came to a stop outside a large, intricate arched golden doorway. The girl opened the door, motioning for me to go ahead of her. As I stepped into the room, I noticed it was a vast turret of sorts…with a large drain in the middle, which made me realize exactly what purpose this room usually had. The thoughts of those within the room only confirmed my suspicions…they were looking forward to this evening as well. Some of them turned to glance at my as we moved past the doorway, wondering what the urgency of my visit was. Others simply ignored me, uncaring.

As we approached, a dark cloaked figure turned, studying me carefully – Aro. His thoughts revealed his surprise and interest; knowing I was from Carlisle’s coven, he was incredibly curious as to what had brought me here, alone.

”Thank you, Jane. Your services are appreciated, as always,” the man spoke, directing his words to the child-like girl. He leaned over and kissed the girl lightly on her forehead before she turned away. She was gleeful to have his approval – she desired to be his favorite. ”Edward Cullen…how wonderful it is to meet you; Carlisle and I were such good friends…tell me, how is he?” he asked, truly curious as to Carlisle’s current status.

I informed Aro of Carlisle’s well-being, to which he expressed his surprise; he hadn’t expected Carlisle to last so long on his ‘vegetarian’ diet. Upon further questioning, when he realized there were many of us in the family that followed Carlisle’s way of life, Aro was all the more dumbfounded. Typically, the Volturi only check up on vampires which are causing trouble, so was unsure of how things had turned out for Carlisle. He’d checked on him once, a few months after Carlisle had left here to start his own life, but nothing had changed, and Aro had lost interest. Carlisle’s choice to abstain from human blood annoyed Aro, so he’d moved on, found something else to entertain himself with.

Finally, he shook his head, laughing. ”Ha ha ha – Carlisle was always so unique…I do miss him. Which brings me to wonder, Edward, what could possibly bring you all this way, so far from your family?”

Sighing, I replied, ”I wish for you to destroy me Aro…to end my existence.”

Aro was silent, gazing back at me intently. The thoughts of the others in the room invaded my mind. One called Marcus was intrigued; he could sense I was missing my other half, and the intensity of what my relationship had been. Another, Caius, was annoyed at my interruption. Some figures lurking in the corner were curious, but eager to see me leave as well. There was a few women that stood a ways off, and they were included in the uncaring category. After a few moments, Aro spoke.

”That is…an unusual request, Edward…What has brought you to this point? Does Carlisle know you are here?…I cannot imagine him willingly agreeing to such an atrocity…” he trailed off, curiosity burning in his eyes. He was appalled that one of our kind would choose to give everything up, and was strangely interested to know what could cause such a desire.
”I did not inform my family of my decision, although I am quite sure they are all quite aware by now,” I replied. “It’s of no matter; this is my choice, and I will do whatever necessary to succeed.”

Aro hesitated, turning his head slightly to the side. He was confused by my comment; he was struggling to decide whether or not to use his gift on me – he had wanted to wait to hear my explanation first, then use it to see if I was being truthful. It was a game he liked to play with people sometimes.

”Please help me to understand, Edward – we do not receive this type of request often, and as I respect my dear friend Carlisle, I must fully comprehend your reasoning.” Making up his mind, Aro drifted forward, his hand outstretched. His gift was similar to mine, but also very different. Reaching my hand out to meet his, he instantly saw my entire life in his mind…right up to the feelings of crushing anguish that brought me here.

Aro lowered his hand, breaking our connection. ”Ah. I am indeed sorry for your loss, young one, although I cannot fully understand it…she was human – and the call of her blood – how on earth did you fight that?”

”Some things don’t matter anymore, once you’ve made up your mind. Her soul became far more important to me than her blood, and now that has been taken from me,” I replied bitterly.

Aro was lost in his thoughts. He studied me, completely transfixed by my reasoning. He was satisfied that I was being completely honest, which almost disturbed him more; it was not something he was accustomed to. After a few minutes, he spoke.

”I will need time to consider this, Edward. It is truly a perplexing decision…you have such talent. It would be an unfortunate waste…” he trailed off briefly. ”I do wonder – instead of death, would you consider leaving your old self behind, and join us here? It could just as well be a fresh start for you – a complete change. You would be very well…compensated…” he trailed off, watching my expression. He had great interest in my gift, and wished to add me to his list of possessions.

”I mean no disrespect, but regretfully I must decline such an offer. Let there be no mistake, Aro – I am here for one reason, and only one. No matter your decision, I will end my life. Out of courtesy, I stand before you to give you the opportunity to end it easily, without the threat of revealing to the world our existence. If I am forced, I will find a way, no matter what it is,”I finished, with a note of finality.

Pausing, I thought of my family; surely Alice was following along as closely as she could, and had contacted the rest of the family. Quickly, I calculated once again how long it would take any of them to reach Volterra, whether from New Zealand or Forks; I wanted to be sure none of them could stop me. Since I had taken the family’s jet, they would have to wait for a commercial flight. They would never make it; nonetheless, it was best not to take any chances. ”I will give you six hours to reach your decision, and then I will act of my own will,” I said solemnly.

Aro sighed. ”Well, friend, you leave me with no choice, do you? We will discuss this, and let you know of our decision. In the meantime, please reconsider my offer…you could be quite happy here, I think,” he added.

Smiling grimly, I turned to leave, then remembered something. ”Aro – I do have another request to make,” I said, pausing.

Aro raised his eyebrows in question, so I continued. ”However this ends, please do one last thing for Carlisle. Please collect my ashes and hold them; I’m fairly certain some, if not all, of my family members will be arriving fairly soon after my demise. If you would, please include these,” I said, pulling three envelopes from my jacket and passing them to him.
Aro looked at me somberly. He knew I wouldn’t change my mind. ”I assume these are the letters I saw in your memories?”

”Yes…they are letters to my family, one to each couple. It is the only feasible way I could truly say goodbye, without having them try to stop me from doing this. They deserve much more, but it is important they receive them; I am hoping it will provide closure. Will you agree to make certain they receive these, along with my ashes?” I questioned.

Aro was troubled, not only by my assuredness that I would be gone soon, but also by the depth of concern I held for my family’s well being. It seemed…unnatural to him. ”If that’s what this comes to, rest assured I will honor your wishes, Edward. Go now, and let us confer.”

I nodded once, before returning to the reception area; I would wait there, as it would work as well as any other place. The next six hours would be long, possibly the longest of my life.

Letters

Dear Emmett and Rosalie,

My decision will be difficult for you to understand, I am sure. I only request that you accept it, and live the rest of your lives being thankful that you have each other. True love should never be wasted, nor taken for granted. The two of you have something deeply special and I know that you will always be happy.

Please help Alice in her grief; Rosalie, please take time to spend with her, and try to offer her comfort – she’s going to need the love of her sister during this time.

Emmett, make her laugh whenever you can, and always continue with your practical jokes – even though she knows what you’re doing before you actually do it, she still finds it highly amusing. Thank you for being such a wonderful addition to our family – the best brother I could ever have asked for.

Esme will need both of your strength…do all you can to show her our family is still complete – I may be absent physically, but my heart will always hold all of you close. This was my only real option, as I am sure most of you already realized…even if you didn’t want to consider it. Just know that having both of you in my life offered me great comfort in all my years prior to meeting my soul mate. Seeing your relationship, as well as the others,’ – I simply didn’t understand what I was missing until I found it. The minute I lost Bella, I ceased to exist. I believe you will understand, if you only imagine not having each other.

Dear Carlisle and Esme,

My dear parents, I am sorry I have put you through this. I’ve never wanted anything other than the best for you, as that is exactly what you’ve always given me. Although not easy in the slightest, please make an effort to understand what has brought me to this point. You know that I would not put either of you through such a thing unless I was certain there was no other way.

Carlisle…I know you have often struggled with your decision to change me. Please ease your mind, and know that I will be eternally thankful for that fateful night in Chicago; in offering me a second life, you ultimately offered me peace…without you, I would never have found Bella, the reason for my existence. I will never be able to fully express my gratitude…your gift was truly the salvation of my soul.

Of course I was far less than the ideal son, yet you both always welcomed me back openly. There are no words for the depth of compassion you offer…by far, you are both the most admirable, unselfish people I have ever met…traits which I cannot claim for myself.

Esme, please do not berate yourself with my decision. Know that you are truly the best mother one could ever ask for, and continue offering your love to Alice, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper. They will always need you. There was nothing anyone could have done to stop this; it is simply the way it was meant to be. Please accept that, and know that my love for you will always be in your heart.

I will be forever thankful for you both. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t had the two of you to guide me. Know that I am at peace now, and wish the same for you…my undying love will always be present.

Dear Jasper and Alice,

I know that as you are reading this, you will already have been fully aware of what I have done…I am so very sorry.

Jasper, I look to you to offer Alice the comfort she will need in my absence. I believe that having gone through what she has recently, when she briefly lost you, will allow her to turn to you. Console her, and soothe her, as only you can. The love the two of you share for each other is magical, please do not lose it. I apologize for what I’ve done…it was never my intention to hurt either of you, as I know I have. Your thoughts have revealed to me that you know the extent of my despair – you felt it, when you were apart from Alice. Please help Alice to understand that, in whatever way you can. Also know that I completely forgive you for what happened with Bella, and that in no way is this your fault, nor is my decision. Do not spend any time needlessly feeling guilty; things in this world have a path, and I am simply following mine. Thank you for being an incredible brother to me…you are strong in more ways than you know, Jasper.

Alice…dearest Alice. My favorite sister – amazing, stubborn, and so beautiful. Do not waste your life grieving for me…I am at peace now, and in truth, you must know that. Life has so much to offer you. You and I have shared a lot, my dear Alice. Of the entire family, you perhaps know me best; you knew what I found when I met Bella – the other half of my soul. I am truly sorry for trying to deceive you, for trying to allude your visions…it was the only way, as you would have done anything to stop me. It was the blackest kind of blasphemy, and I apologize greatly.

I would always have kept trying, Alice. It was the worst kind of restlessness, the worst kind of unattainable desire…you must try to understand why I had no other choice. Seek comfort in Jasper, and appreciate your love. Above all else, be the happy, exuberant, uplifting woman you were meant to be; I’ll always be with you, laughing alongside you in spirit.

——————

APOV

Stewart’s Island is so beautiful, so secluded…I felt as though I was in my own private paradise. Jasper and I had just returned from the beach, where we had been able to run through the sand, jump in the waves, and lay in the sun, simply to enjoy the feeling of warmth, all while not having to worry about being seen. It was amazing.

Every time we came back here, it made me even more thankful we had built this retreat so many years ago. As I watched Jasper lean back in the hammock on the porch, reaching for his favorite book, I wondered why we didn’t take the time to come here more often.

Those two weeks without my husband had been hell; I finally fully understood what Edward was feeling, as did Jasper. I could only hope Edward would find some way to cope…my most recent vision was disconcerting; shortly after we’d arrived here, I’d seen his sudden decision to go traveling. I was fearful that he was running from everything, and worried that he wouldn’t return – that he was choosing the ‘roaming the Earth endlessly’ option I’d seen a while back. Even more, it disturbed me because I couldn’t see where he was going; I had called home immediately.

When Rosalie was the only person I could reach, I was irritated, because I knew she wouldn’t listen. However, when she recounted the entire conversation for me in detail, explaining how Edward had to get away from his memories in Forks, I’d begun to pay attention. It made sense to an extent; I’d felt the same way, until Jasper had left. Memories of Bella saturated the entire area…it had been suffocating to an extent. Rosalie had assured me that he planned on keeping in touch, and that he didn’t seem depressed or desolate about his choice…she said he’d seemed more optimistic than they’d seen in a while. She insisted the rest of my family seemed certain he would return after some time had passed; I hoped they were right. Since that conversation, I’d been keeping a very close watch on Edward’s future, and any other decisions he would be making. So far, it had been quiet, so maybe they were right after all.

I decided to go retrieve my camera from my bag in the living room – I had to capture some of this island to take back with us. As I was returning to the porch, the familiar blurring, slow motion sensation began. Dropping to my knees, I cried out in shock over what I saw.

”NO! No, no, no! Edward no!!” I screamed out, clutching my hair with my tiny fists, panic seeping through every nerve in my body.

”Alice! Alice, what is it?” Jasper was desperately trying to pull me out of my vision, to tell him what was causing me such despair.

”Jasper – we have to go – now. Edward’s going to Italy – to Volterra. He would only go there for one reason,” I whispered, horrified.

Without a word, Jasper pulled me up into his arms, ran into the house, grabbed our bags, and flew to the car. As we headed to the airport, I began dialing. Someone sure as hell better pick up other than Rose this time.

”Hello, Alice. How are things on Stewart’s Island?” Carlisle answered.

Repeating the content of my vision quickly, I waited for an answer. Silence rang clear on the other end of the phone. After a few moments, Carlisle spoke, his voice full of horror. He knew he’d been fooled…we all had.

”Alice…have you seen what will happen yet? What their answer will be?” he asked in hushed tones.

”No…but it doesn’t matter – he’s already made up his mind that with or without their help, he’s going through with it,” I replied, panic evident in my voice, my hands trembling. Jasper continued to drive a an alarming speed, too shocked to even try to calm me.

Carlisle said that he and Emmett would head to the airport immediately, and get to Volterra as fast as they could, but his words were full of defeat. I told him Jasper and I would be flying to Italy as well, and I hung up. We continued to the airport, driving in silence. As I gazed out the window, I let the horror of reality settle in; he had taken all the right precautions…we would never make it in time.

EPOV

As I sat in the reception area, I stared at the clock as it ticked slowly, second by second. Obviously by now, Alice knew the full extent of what was happening; I was sure she’d been trying to reach me on my cell, along with Carlisle and Emmett, ever since my flight. That’s why I’d turned it off as soon as I’d made my decision clear. Flipping open my phone, I turned it on for a second to see how bad it was; the screen revealed that I had been correct in my assumption – there were thirty missed calls, most with voice mails. I didn’t bother listening to them – I could assume easily enough what they said, and I already felt guilty enough for what I was doing to my family. Making sure the ring tone was still off, I changed screens, and opened the pictures folder on my phone, studying each one of my family’s faces; no matter what Aro’s decision was, I would never see them again. My gaze settling on a picture of Bella, I shut the phone and smiled grimly – it was worth it to end the pain. Glancing back up at the clock, I realized that finally, in two minutes, the time limit I had set would be up.

As if on cue, I heard Jane approaching. She didn’t appear to know the outcome of my request, but she was curious to learn their decision.

Minutes later, she entered the room. ”Edward…please come with me,” she ordered abruptly.

Soon enough, I found myself in the same room as before, standing before Aro once again. He was incredibly remorseful; not necessarily that I would be lost, but more so that my talent would be lost. His thoughts revealed their decision, leaving me bitter – so it would be the hard way, then.

”Edward, as I said before, this is indeed an awkward position you have put me in. We have reached a decision, as I am sure you already know, due to your unique gift. We will not voluntarily act to destroy you; I cannot agree to do so, knowing it would be against my friend Carlisle’s wishes. As I am sure you also know, if you continue your plan, and threaten to reveal our secret, we will act to stop you…I do hope you reconsider.”

”Do I still have your word that you will respect my final requests?” I asked bluntly, past caring.

Aro sighed. ”Of course, Edward. The guards have all been ordered…to collect your ashes…if need be,” he replied, regretfully. He knew how this was going to end. I glanced over towards the guards he spoke of; they stared back at me curiously, not able to comprehend my decision. One of them – Felix was his name – was actually looking forward to the upcoming events; how courteous of him.

”Thank you, Aro, and thank you for your time. I am sorry these were the circumstances under which we had to meet; Carlisle has always spoken highly of you,” I finished, tired of prolonging the inevitable.

”Certainly,” he replied, disconcerted. His mind revealed to me that he was full of regret, knowing what news he would have to greet Carlisle and his family with. After not seeing his friend for so long, only to have to inform him of this loss, was something he was not looking forward to; he had seen the unique relationship of our family when he read my history. Aro didn’t understand it, but he was sure that it would be a horrible loss to the Cullens.

As I passed back through the reception area, towards the doors, I settled on a plan. I had decided I didn’t want to harm anyone else in my last moment…it was unnecessary, and it would only hurt Carlisle more, not to mention disappoint him. The point of all this was to end my misery, and nothing else. I would step into the sun, threatening to expose our kind.

This would be enough of a threat to them, especially considering the crowded plaza. Bella and I had spent some of our happiest moments lying in the sun, as she marveled at my sparkling skin. It seemed fitting that my last moment would be feeling the warmth on my body…since I would never feel her warmth again. Once outside, I followed the shade from the building’s awning over to an alley, where I unbuttoned the front of my shirt and waited. Seconds later, they arrived near the back of the alley, out of sight – three guards, sent to follow orders.

I wasn’t fearful of ending my life; I could only hope that Bella had been right about me, about my soul. She had believed that I would be accepted into heaven, forgiven for my past sins. If not, I still knew that whatever hell I was sent to couldn’t possibly be worse than the hell I was already in. By all means, this was a chance worth taking.

Only faintly in the back of my mind did I hear the thoughts of the predators coming for me, of their eagerness to follow the orders to stop me. They didn’t matter. I wasn’t sure how long it took, or exactly what they did. As I had begun to step into the sunlight, the only thing I had felt was a sharp pull backwards, and then it was over. My mind had already been focused on Bella; I remembered her beautiful face in the meadow, the way she gazed into my eyes as we’d waltzed at prom, the smell of her hair, the softness of her skin. I remembered everything, and forgot nothing.

As the darkness began to fade, images started to become clearer…suddenly, as I looked closer, I recognized where I was…I was in our meadow. How did I end up here? There was an incredibly bright light coming from the center – I felt drawn to it. As I crept nearer, the light began to fade, and I could see more clearly what was in front of it. Bella. My beautiful, beautiful Bella.

She stepped toward me, her hands outstretched.

I blinked, then moved forward warily, afraid to believe what I saw. “Are you real? Please… please, tell me you’re real,” I whispered, desperate to believe it was her.

She nodded slowly, reassuringly. “I am.”

Full of disbelief, I began to raise my arms, and as our fingertips met, brilliancy was restored to my world; the stars were brighter, and the meteor was soaring again, shooting across the sky, casting light upon all the dark corners which had consumed me, igniting the fire within my soul.

”You’ve kept me waiting,” she said softly, an angelic smile brightening her features.

”I’m sorry, love…never again,” I whispered, lost in amazement. She had been right after all. Grasping her hands, I pulled her to me, my mind reeling. I embraced her, softly kissing her warm lips; Bella wove her fingers through my hair, and at last, I was home again. She pulled back lightly, gazing into my eyes.

”There’s just one thing, Edward,” she whispered quietly. She reached up, and unfastened the necklace from around my neck, removing the ring from it. Bella grasped my left hand, and slipped the ring onto my finger.

”There, now it’s where it really belongs,” she murmured, raising my hand to her lips, repeating the same motion I had made when putting hers in place. Glancing down at Bella’s left hand, I indeed saw my mother’s ring; the ring that I had put there myself. Amazed, I slowly returned my gaze to her wide, innocent eyes.

”In case you were wondering, the answer had always been ‘yes,’” Bella said, pulling me back down to her, meeting my lips with hers. As I lifted her into my arms, twirling us around in circles, I felt at peace; more than that, I felt utterly blissful. Finally, I had found my heaven.

For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo

Denna handlar om Alice när hon hittar bellas självmordsbrev:(

Denna har också flera kapitel, 5 :D

Last Goodbye:

I missed Bella. I missed her always-so-human point of view, I missed my friend. Maybe it was right for us to leave, but Edward should`ve stayed with her. To comfort her, to make sure she`s ok and she doesn`t blame herself for Jasper`s attack. But no one has the power to change his mind, once he has made something up. Edward thought it`d be safer for the girl if he left her and there was nothing to do for us to prove him wrong.

Last time I saw my brother, we were at Tanya`s place. He looked.. awful, terrible, I don`t even have a name for it. And I knew it hurt everyone to see him like that. But it was his choice, he knew he`d hurt, and he still chose to leave. There was no way we could help him. He moved around like a sleepwalker with no obvious target; there was no end to his night. He was sad, but his depression was like a hundred times more intense than any human`s.

We all tried not to think of Edward`s pain and the little human girl who once had made him so happy, but he never left our thoughts, since our minds are wider than human`s mind. Every day I saw someone`s face, full of hurt, and I knew they were thinking of him, wondering how and where is he and how he`s dealing with everything.

Esme had the hardest time – after all, Edward was like her own son.

– How are you today? – Carlisle asked one morning about a week ago.

– I`m fine, thank you, dear. – She nodded and smiled to her mate.

I eyed Jasper, he was sitting under the stairs and reading something; he looked back at me and shook his head – he sensed Esme`s feelings and he knew she`d just lied. But moments like this were our daily routine.

Even Rose was upset; though she didn`t like Bella, she felt sorry for her. And Emmett wasn`t so hyperactive anymore. Once he told me:

– Y`know, I really miss her bad humour and the times she blushed and did other human stuff – it was so fun to look at her back then. – He chuckled, sighed, then turned serious again and started to stare at the ceiling; there were obvious pain in his eyes.

Jasper felt very bad. He didn`t stop thinking it`s his fault everyone is suffering, especially Edward. He wouldn`t stop blaming himself for attacking Bella, no matter what I did.

As for myself, I must say that it was an enormous temptation to look into her future to see if Bella was ever gonna be together with us again. But I had made a promise to my brother and I didn`t want to break it just like that. It was the least I could do for Edward. But sometimes I got some flashes of her. Mostly nothing special, but enough to make me wish I could go back in time and change everything.

We didn`t hunt so often anymore, now that there were no more human beings around us. When we hunted, we usually went only with our partners. That meant I was with Jasper.

This was our hunting turn.

– You ready, Jazz?

He flew down the stairs and put his arms around me.

– Let`s go.

We ran out the door and across the lawn with brownish-yellow grass. We reached the woods and ran a bit longer until we got to a hill. From the top of the hill we listened carefully to the sounds of this forest. I heard Jasper taking off to north-east; he had found and elk. I smiled to myself – he was always in such a hurry to get back, though we actually had nothing to do and nowhere to go; days went by, but they were all the same, with no difference. I breathed in through my nose and smelled a big cat. Something stung me in the area of my once-beating but now completely silent heart and I remembered: Edward liked mountain lions the best. I sighed and headed to north where the lion was at. While running to get the animal, I heard Jasper`s silent steps – he was following me. I ran under a low branch of a white fir and saw the cat. I`d just need one second to kill the creature. Just as I was about to jump on the back of the mountain lion, a flash took me by surprise – a vision was coming. I heard the animal noticing me and going to run away, but Jazz was faster – he broke its neck so I could finish it later. And then I didn`t see the trees anymore. It was Bella.

Detta är i typ 3 kapitel så detta är kapitel 1 så ni får gå längst ner för att byta till kapitel 2:D

Kommer inte sätta ut de andra kapitelna;)

Hittils så var denna bra:D

Chapter one: Same old

A week from now it has been a year since he left, and the pain is almost unbearable. But I keep on struggling, for Charlie's health. I can't let him know that my heart was torn out when he left me and that my heart disappeard with him, and that he will never come back, just like my heart.
You could say that I live two life, my real life is that I go to school, I go home and do my homework, make dinner to Charlie (sometimes to myself too, but since he left I just do what make most sense, why eat? I could just die, it's not like I've something to live for), and cry myself to sleep.
And then there's my other life, the life everybody thinks is the life I'm living. But it's not.
In that life I go to school, talk with my friends, that for some reason support me (except for Jessica), but I don' t listen to them as much, I keep for myself a lot. Once in a week –maybey two- Mike, Angela, Ben , me and sometimes Tyler go to see a movie or go bowling our stuff. Once again I don't talk so much then, I keep my head busy to think about stuff that will not remind me of him. It's like a charade. But I don't know how much I can keep it going. It's not like I'm a machine that can go on, and on forever. Forever. That's what he had said so many times, just him and me. Gone, that will never happen.

``Bella!-´´ Charlie yelled down the stairs ``If you don't get up now you will be late for school!´´.

With a big sigh I rolled off the bed and was heading for the bathroom when I took a quick glance on the clock. 07:40 AM!

Shit! I thought for myself. I just have to skip the shower this morning I guess.
I took the closest pants and top that was in my reach, the same blue denim jeans that I wore yestersay, it was hanging over my chair and a clean white blouse that were on my desk.
Then I brushed my teeth without eating something -as usally- and ran down the stairs, where Charlie was waiting for me.

``Thought I would give you a lift for school to day, so you don't come late, you know´´ he said.

I thought about it for a second and was about to accept the offer, when I realized that I couldn't.

``That's okay dad, I'll be fine-´´ I replied ``- how would I get home, after school?´´

``Oh´´ He had obviously not thought about that. ``How about I drive you to school, I go home and drive your truck to your school, Jacob could pick me up and drive me home and I could get my cruiser and drive to work?´´

``Okay, that's sounds good´´ I replied with a little smile. I really did like that idea, I did't want to come late for class and enter the room when alredy have started and all eyes will lock on me as I would hurry up to my seat. The attention. Ugh! I just want to be invisible, so that nobody can see me, nobody can talk about me behind my back (as if I would care about what they said).

``You know, the res school starts around 10 AM, so Jake wouldn't be late´´ He said, while he was looking me in the eyes, while I replied it with looking down to me feet.

``What is it, Bells?´´ Charlie asked worried.

I didn't know what to answer. I couldn't really tell the truth, just like `Hey dad, guess what? Every minute since Edward left, I've been thinking of him. I've been a zombie. A wreck, if you hadn't notice. So don't ask me what it is, 'cause you should know by now´. No, that would be to much, it would be enough just to say `Fine´.

``It's nothing Dad´´ I lied. Charlie had some creepy-weird-irritating "gift" so that he could see right through me every time I lied. It really started to bug me, but Charlie just accepted my lies, without digging for the thruth. He thought it was the best, so did I. Less is more.

``Then let's go!´´ He said and pushed me through the door with a laughing sound in his throat.

When school was over, I stood infront of the stairs that led to the parking lot and looked after my rusty red truck. And there it was. Of all the parking places, Charlie had chosen his parking space. Of course Charlie hadn't known it used to be his, but with a big sigh I started to walk fast just to get over with it, but the closer I got, the more memories it brought back.

Suddenly it was April last year and I was sitting in his Volvo, with him by the steering wheel and we were listening to Debussy. He explained that it was his favourite and he had looked up at me with his topaz eyes and dazzled me. By that time I did not know that he was a vampire, I just thought he was the most beautiful creature in the world, and I think it was the first time he had ever dazzled me.

And then I was sitting in my old truck again on my way home.

When I got home I was about to unlock the door when the phone rang. I quickly opend the door and dropped my bag to the floor as I ran for the phone.

``Hello?´´ I breathed.

``Hey Bella! It's Jacob!´´

Jacob. I hadn't talked to him since he had told me that he was a werewolf, but I don't know why.

``Hi Jake!´´ I replied ``What's up?´´

``Nothing, that's why I called you, wanna hang out or something?´´ He asked -happy as a puppy when their owner got home.

``Sure, I'll be down in fifteen minutes´´

``Great! See ya!´´ He said, with a huge throat filled with happiness.

``See ya!´´ I replied, but he had already hung up, but that's okay. He was just so happy.

The sun was setting on the bay, making the vast stretch of water below look like liquid gold. I smiled as I stretched myself out beneath the dying rays, the warm sand of the beach brushing enticingly against my skin.

"Enjoying yourself?" his smooth voice whispered in my ear, his breath tickling my neck and causing my nerves to tingle with pleasure.

"Mmm," I smiled, rolling into his cool embrace, encasing his hard torso in my arms. He chuckled again and brushed my hair behind my ear with his slender fingers.

"I love you," he murmured, before planting a series of delicate kisses along my jaw line. I shivered, despite the heat, and openly clung to his broad shoulders. Slowly, I opened my eyes…

Beep Beep.

Beep Beep.

"No," I groaned, my head burrowing underneath the duvet. "Five more minutes." I was just getting to the good part…

Beep Beep.

Beep Beep.

I swore and reached out from beneath the covers, my arm grabbing wildly for the alarm clock. I heard a deafening crash and felt the floor shake. I sat bolt upright, the duvet falling away and exposing me to a wall of freezing cold air. Bleary eyed and disorientated, I looked around the room in confusion, searching for the source of the noise. My eyes fell upon my bed side cabinet- in my haste to switch off the alarm clock it seemed to have been overturned, causing the many books and CDs piled precariously atop it to tumble to the floor. My eyes zeroed in on the alarm clock, which was now innocently nestled in between Jane Eyre and Great Expectations.

Beep Beep.

Beep Beep.

"Stupid piece of junk," I mumbled, slamming my hand on the OFF button before reluctantly heaving myself out of bed. I stumbled across the room and across the hall into the bathroom, finding at least three things to trip over on my way. It wasn't until I had showered, dressed and had a glass of orange juice- my tolerance for caffeine was embarrassingly low- that I could even think about the day ahead.

I swung myself onto one of the stools at the counter in the kitchen of my small apartment and glanced at the calendar that hung on the wall. January 4th. Over six years had passed since Edward had left me in the forest in Forks, during which I had struggled through every single day unable, despite my hardest endeavors, to forget him. I had finished school and gotten good grades, even in calculus; evidently emotional heart break and social isolation can do wonders for a person's work ethic. After that I went to College- not Dartmouth- where I majored in English, before I trained to become a teacher. I got my first job teaching English Literature in a high school in Rochester, New York, and had been living in the city for almost two years.

My life had moved on, even if I hadn't.

I groaned again as I wandered to the window and looked out at a city covered in snow. Rochester weather reminded me of Forks- less rainy but just as unfriendly. I turned and glanced at myself in the mirror that hung on the opposite wall. In terms of my appearance, not much had changed. I was still plain and though my body had gained a few extra curves over the years, it was still mainly slim and unremarkable. My hair and eyes were brown and my lips full, but my face had lost all the roundness of childhood as I had transitioned from teenager to adult. I wonder what he would think of me now?

The errant thought surprised me and I shook my head, irritated at myself. I normally didn't let myself dwell on those sorts of questions; they led to memories I'd rather forget. I had swiftly learnt over the years that it was easier to distance myself from anything that tied me to my past; it was the least painful way of living. It was for this reason that I had taken a job in Rochester, thousands of miles away from Forks. I may have fought Charlie when he tried to send me back to Phoenix in the months following Edward's departure, but by the time I left school, I realized that being surrounded by memories of him was slowly driving me insane.

In truth, this was partly the reason that I'd spent the winter break alone, despite pleas from both Charlie and Renee to go and visit them. I had been in Forks for Thanksgiving though; dinner at La Push had become an annual fixture on my calendar. Jacob and I were still friends. Ah, Jake, I thought wistfully, my eyes drawn to a photo frame sitting on the coffee table. It was a snapshot of us sitting by a bonfire at First Beach five years ago. He had his arm around me, and I was smiling; it was one of the only photos I owned that showed me genuinely happy. In the background you could just make out the figures of Quil, Embry, Paul, Sam and Jared playing football. Emily had taken the photo after we had finished eating. I could still remember how she had said we made such a good couple and the triumphant gleam in Jacob's eyes at the word. That had never quite happened though, despite Jake's wishes. We had tried, for a couple of months during the summer before I left for college; perhaps because I was so tired of having to continually redraw my boundaries around him, or else because I had finally accepted that I did love him in that way. Whatever the reason, we decided to give ourselves a chance. It didn't last. To be honest, I think I was still too broken to have a relationship beyond friendship with anybody, let alone someone as important to me as Jacob. I was too afraid to get too close to him, too afraid to lose him like I had lost Edward. It ended when I left for school in September and neither of us ever made any attempt to rekindle the flames in the following years. He had since met a girl, Carole, and they had gotten married. She was everything I would have chosen for Jake- everything that he needed that I could not give him. She was happy, whole and able to love him without conditions, something which I would never have been able to do.

I glanced at the clock; it was time to leave. Carefully picking up my bulging work bag, I threw on my coat and took my keys from the pot on the sideboard. It was even colder on the street than I had expected. I huddled myself against my coat, tilting my head away from the wind. I didn't have a car; I had had to leave my truck behind in Forks and although I still had my motorbike, it wasn't really suitable for driving to work, especially not in the winter. As a result, I travelled almost everywhere by bus.

The journey wasn't long and I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I barely even noticed the streets and houses whipping past. I couldn't help but think about the dream I had been having when I woke up. My dreaming about Edward wasn't unusual, but my imaginings were never usually as vivid as they had been this morning. This could only be a bad thing, what would be next, hearing voices? I smirked at my own joke as the bus came to a halt at my stop and I hopped off, feigning a weak smile at the driver.

Sycamore Grove High School was big, with just over 2500 students on roll. I mainly taught the upperclassmen, but I recognized some of the younger students from the many extra-curriculars I had run last year. I liked to keep busy and volunteering to help organize some of the many activities seemed like an excellent way to do that. The building itself was your typical High School- large and square with sandy colored bricks and steps leading up to the wide front doors, through which students were currently streaming. On my way up the path I had to be careful not to be caught in a crossfire by one of the many snowballs currently being thrown by what seemed like most of the male student population. I shook my head and rolled my eyes; some things never change.

As I reached the door I saw a student that I recognized from one of my classes walking towards me. I groaned half amused half exasperated. It was Adam Carter- a popular junior who was apparently (I didn't really follow the school sport) a bit of a star on the baseball team. He had blond hair and brown eyes and reminded me irresistibly of Mike Newton, in that he seemed intent to follow me everywhere. My colleagues liked to tease me that he had a crush, but I preferred to call it over-friendliness- the attentions of a 17 year old boy was not something I needed. No, you just prefer to dream about them instead. I fiercely dug my nails into my fists and tried to push that thought to the edge of my mind. Like I needed to be reminded of my unhealthy night-time hallucinations- they were taking over my life as it was.

"Hi Ms Swan!" Adam said, his loud voice causing people to turn and stare as he ambled towards me. He made a move to take my bag but I took a step back, trying to cover it up by pretending to stumble. To my misfortune, this didn't seem to deter him.

"Um, hello Adam, good Christmas?" I asked, distractedly, looking over my shoulder for an escape route.

"Oh sure, me and the guys went snowboarding, it was AW-esome," he rattled on earnestly, his words dissolving into mush in my brain. I faintly registered the use of the vernacular and idly thought how the language nowadays was so much more unattractive than the formal speech of the early 1900s, then scolded myself. It was worrying how great an effect that one short dream had had on me.

I interrupted Adam, deciding that it was time to make my getaway. "That's great, but I've got to go and talk to, uh," I racked my brains for a plausible teacher and decided the one whose office was as far away as possible, "Dr Takagi, so I'll see you later." I gave what I hoped would pass for a smile and fled, almost tripping up the steps as I went.

"Yeah," Adam called after me, "first period in 12E!" I didn't reply but dove through the nearest door, shaking my head in disbelief as I went. What was it with me and over-enthusiastic teenage boys? And how come they never seemed to get the message that I was really not as interesting as they made me out to be?

These musings preoccupied me until I reached the staff room, and to my deep relief I was not accosted by any more pubescent admirers. As I walked into the large, beige coloured staff room however, I managed to twist my ankle and drop my bag on my feet, much to the amusement of several maths teachers standing nearby. Irate, I picked up my things and made my way to the kitchen. Screw the caffeine, I thought to myself, I seriously need a coffee.

To my dismay, homeroom eventually came to an end, and I was forced to leave the relative safety of the staffroom and brave the jungle that was the hallways. I glanced at my timetable and realised that Adam had been correct- my first class was indeed in Block 12. That was about a five minute walk away, seven if I counted congestion and snowball dodging into my route. I poured myself another cup of coffee- in for a penny, in for a pound- and exited the lounge hastily, before I could be told off for removing school crockery.

The journey was, thankfully, without impediment- unless you counted the breaking up of one fight, the prevention of throwing snowballs indoors and redirecting a confused freshman when she tried to attend her biology class in the janitor's closet while several 'helpful' sophomores snickered from behind her.

When I finally made it to 12E I found half of my class already present, changing seats and lounging on desks as they flirted, swapped post-holiday gossip and took photographs of each other on their cell phones. There was still five minutes to go until the official start of class, so I let them be while I sorted out my materials for the lesson. We were starting 'Pride and Prejudice' today and, provided we moved through it fast enough, we were going to progress to 'Jane Eyre' in a matter of weeks. Six years ago, I would not have been able to read my most favourite of Austen and Bröntes' novels without descending into tears. Now however, I felt nothing but a slight pang in my empty chest- uncomfortable but bearable.

I dug deep into my bag to find the sheets of paper I was planning on handing out to the class and as I rummaged, my elbow hit my bag. "Crap," I cursed as one of my folders fell to the floor, the entirety of its contents splaying across the lino. I walked around the desk and bent down, coffee still in hand, to gather up the paper.

"I'll help you Ms Swan!" an eager voice called out, and I looked up to see Adam again. I hadn't noticed him enter the room and felt a flash of irritation.

"No Adam, I'm fine tha-" I protested, but to no avail. He ignored me, vaulting over his desk with the kind of energy only a teenage boy possesses first thing on a Monday morning. He really is like Mike, I thought to myself, as I watched him collect up my papers with so much enthusiasm that he knocked my cup of coffee out of my hand. Or perhaps he's a bit more like me. I winced as the mug landed with a smash on the floor… right at the feet of a man who had just appeared in the doorway.

A series of laughs and whistles erupted from the class, as their eyes flicked from my irritated expression to Adam's mortified one. I sighed. What a way to start the semester.

The man in the doorway cleared his throat and I looked up to see Patrick Delaney standing there. An almost exhaustingly dedicated teacher, Patrick had been my mentor for my first couple of months of teaching and, despite being nearly a decade older than me, we had struck up a sort of friendship. This year, he had been assigned responsibility for the entire junior class- no mean feat, considering that it currently contained over 600 students.

"Hi Ms Swan," he cleared his throat, amused, "is, uh, everything alright?"

"Never better," I said through gritted teeth, painfully aware of the flush beginning to creep up my cheeks. I wasn't worried about Patrick's reaction to the coffee- I knew he wouldn't care in the slightest- but I didn't appreciate the fact that I had just made an idiot of myself in front of a class of unsympathetic teenagers.

Patrick grinned at me unashamedly, his dark eyes sparkling behind his glasses, "Well I just came to tell you that you're expecting a new student in your class this morning. He's with the secretary at the moment collecting his timetable, but he should be along later."

"Thanks, Mr Delaney," I replied, reverting to the use of his surname for the benefit of our audience.

"No problem," he turned his gaze to Adam and pointed at the smashed cup, saying sternly, "I'd get something to clean up this mess if I were you son, before somebody slips in it." He waited long enough for Adam to self-consciously dart out of the classroom, before he winked cheerily at me.

"See you later, Bella."

With a sigh I turned to face the class, ignoring the last-minute stragglers as they scurried to their seats. It was time to actually get some work done.

It was ten minutes into the lesson and most of the stress of the morning had disappeared. Teaching was what I was good at, and I really enjoyed it, especially when it came to discussing novels. When I had left school I had actually toyed with the idea of becoming a librarian before Charlie persuaded me to pursue education as a career. At first I had thought he was crazy; I could barely look at a group of people without blushing. Gradually however, I realized that perhaps it wasn't such a ridiculous idea after all. I had always loved discussing books- now I was getting paid for it. There was also something inordinately satisfying in sharing my love for literature and seeing the students grow to enjoy the books they studied. I soon found that my total lack of confidence wasn't an issue; it was as if by discussing the characters I loved so much, I was shielding myself from any insecurities. Outside the classroom it was a completely different matter, but inside I was in my element.

I had just instructed the class to get themselves into pairs when, over the outbreak of noise that ensued, I heard the door open again. Expecting it to be Adam with cleaning materials I didn't look up, but busied myself with distributing handouts to the groups of students and breaking up any squabbles over grouping. It wasn't until I had returned to the front of the class that I realized that Adam had still not entered the room.

"Adam," I sighed, "please don't hover in the doorway, come and-" the words died in my throat as I looked at the figure in the door. It wasn't Adam. I felt myself go rigid as I stared, shocked, into his face.

No. It couldn't be, not after all this time. No, Bella. You're still dreaming. I shook my head, dazed, as I looked away and then back at him, unable to believe what I was seeing. Wake UP Bella, wake up! But I was awake. I was awake and staring right into the very face I had been trying to forget for years, the face of the first and last person I had ever truly loved.

Edward.

The world fell away, leaving nothing but him. I couldn't believe that he was here, after six years of nothing, here he was standing three feet away from me. He looked exactly the same as he had always done: tall, pale and of course, devastatingly beautiful. As my eyes raked his face hungrily, I instantly knew that my dreams had been laughably poor in their quality. It was delicious agony; I revelled in each detail, but every glance just tore my heart apart further.

"Ed-dward," I stuttered, my hands gripping the edge of my desk to prevent me from falling. I dimly registered that the chattering in the classroom had quietened slightly, and I could sense the curious gazes of the students on the front row taking in my rigid posture and shocked expression with great interest. I knew I should say something, anything, but I couldn't. My mind was swamped as all the memories I had hitherto repressed rushed forward, like water breaking through a dam.

Edward laughing as he shook snow from his hair; Edward in the meadow; playing video games with Emmett; listening to music; speeding down the highway in his car; Edward kissing my neck; his hands running down my sides as he murmured against my lips…

I gasped as this last one came to me, such was the force of the sensations it caused. I looked at Edward, my heart pounding.

"Bella," he breathed, his velvety voice so quiet that only I could hear. He looked surprised, but much, much more composed than I was, at least, he wasn't shaking uncontrollably.

We stared at each other for an eternity until, finally, I was saved.

"Ms Swan?" It was Patrick again. He still looked indecently good-humoured, given the emotional turmoil I was currently in. His eyes searched the room before they fell on Edward and, nodding, Patrick ticked a name off of his list.

"Ah, there you are Mr Cullen. Were there any problems with your timetable?"

And then I realized… It came to me in one, horrific sweep of understanding. Edward was the new student. Edward, my centenarian vampire ex-boyfriend who had, until one moment ago, been absent from my life for over six years was now one of my students. If I hadn't been so appalled, I might have laughed.

"No sir," Edward replied, his voice apparently unshaken. Underneath the wave of hysteria rising within me, I felt a stab of hurt indignation. Did seeing me after six years really have no effect on him whatsoever? Judging by his expression, I guessed not. Of course he doesn't care Bella, I wryly told myself. Don't you remember what he said in the forest? I did remember, vividly. The memory of my rejection still had the power to bring me to my knees with the pain it caused.

"Excellent. I suggest you take a seat," Patrick smiled, indicating an empty desk two rows back by the wall, before turning to face me. For a split second I thought I detected a flicker of emotion cross Edward's features, but before I could be sure he turned his back on me and moved gracefully towards his seat. Unwillingly, I looked back to Patrick.

"Well, I'll leave you to it then," he grinned, dropping his voice conspiratorially. "You shouldn't have any trouble with this one Bella, according to his records he was an honor student back in San Francisco." I just nodded dumbly, unable to bring myself to reply; something which Patrick, in all his cheerful chatter, did not seem to notice. "Have a nice day Bella," he trilled as he swept from the room.

A nice day. Sure.

I turned to face the now quiet class, trying my best to disguise the fact that I was trembling and making deadly sure that my eyes did not stray to the seat by the wall, two rows from the front.

"Okay people, let's turn to chapter three," I managed to choke out. The scene where the would-be lovers first meet; how sickly appropriate, I thought to myself.

Then, knowing that the only way out of this nightmare was to just keep teaching until I was saved by the bell announcing break, I clenched my fists, hardened my resolve and prepared myself for the hardest morning of my life.

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind at his back
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Chorus: Hailey Williams]
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now wish right now wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now wish right now wish right now

[Bridge:]
Dreaming.
(oh oh oh oh)
Of falling (mmm mmm mmm mmm)
Dreaming (ooh oh oh oh)

[B.o.B]
(ya) Lets pretend like it's 98 
Like I'm eating lunch off of styrofoam trays
Trying to be the next rapper comin out the A (A-town)
Hoping for a record deal to ignore my pain (ya)
Now lets pretend like I'm on the stage
And when my beat drops everybody goes insane (woo)
Okay
And everybody know my name and everywhere I go people
wanna hear me sing (oh)
Oh yeah and I just dropped my new album on the first
week I did Five-Hundred Thousand
Gold in the spring and diamond in the fall and then
a world tour just to top it all off
And lets pretend like they called me the greatest selling
out arenas with big ass stages
And everybody loved me and noone ever hated
Lets try to use imagination

[Chorus]

Okay lets pretend like this never happened (never)
Like I never had dreams of being a rapper (rapper)
Like I didn't write raps up in all of my classes
Like I never used to run away into the blackness
Now lets pretend like it was all good 
(good) like I didn't live staring in a notebook (notebook)
Like I did the things that I probably knew I should (should)
But I aint have neighbours thats why they call it hood (hood yeah)
Now lets pretend like I aint got a name before they
ever call me BOB aka Bobby ray
I'm talking back before the mixtapes 
(yeah) before the videos and the deals and the fame
Before the ever once compared me to andre before I ever got on myspace
Before they ever noticed my face so lets just pretend
and make wishes out of airplanes

[Chorus]

[Bridge II:]
And it seems like yesterday it was just a dream 
But those days are gone (gone gone) and just memories
(oh oh)
And it seems like yesterday it was just a dream
But those days are gone (gone gone)
 
[Eminem]
Allright lets pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen 
Lets pretend things would have been no different
Pretend he procrastinated had no motivation
Pretend he just made excuses that were so paper thin
they could blow away with the wind
Marshall you're never gonna make it makes no sense
to play the game there ain't no way that you'll win
Pretend he just stayed outside all day and played with his friends
Pretend he even had a friend to say was his friend 
And it wasn't time to move and schools were changing again
He wasn't socially awkward and just strange as a kid
He had a father and his mother wasn't crazy as shit
And he never dreamed he could rip stadiums and just lazy as shit
Fuck a talent show in a gymnasium bitch you won't amount
to shit quit daydreaming kid
You need to get your cranium checked you thinking like
an alien it just ain't realistic
Now pretend they ain't just make him angry with this
shit and there was no one he could even aim when he's pissed it
And his alarm went off to wake him off but he didn't
make it to the rap Olympics left to his plane and he missed it
He's gon' have a hard time explaining to Hailey and
Laney these food stamps and this wick shit
Cuz he never risked shit he hopes and he wished it
but it didn't fall in his lap so he ain't even here
He pretends that

[Hailey Williams]
Airplanes in the night sky like shooting stars 
I could really use a wish right now wish right now wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now wish right now wish right now

Uh hmm oh oh oh ooo
Uhu mm aalalalaa